the reality - post 131

Listening to The Birthday Massacre's "Pins and Needles" album.
Just finished watching "The Ugly Truth"
Current time: 0311 Sat 11 May 2013

needless to say, this one has potential to be interesting.  grab a fucking pot of coffee.

let's pick things up from our last meeting, shall we?  first up - the date that was forecast to happen, didn't.  she canceled due to it being exam week and she said she had too much to do.  

we continued to message each other regularly.

the triumphant return during the 1st week of may didn't occur.  however, i returned for a long weekend.  this is where things take some weird turns.

i returned on saturday 04 may & arranged for a hotel.  on cinco de drinko, i stayed with a friend i played hockey with.  monday, i stayed with a buddy (the one from the model party post) and managed to get a nice nearly 4mi run in.  tuesday, i had lunch with #1 and checked out a room that a buddy is renting out before returning to NY.

Saturday 04 May 2013:

i woke up stupid early to make the 5.5-6hr trek to spend the long weekend in the midwest.  arrived and went to a craft show with a friend.  we had coffee and caught up.  i went to the library to pick out some movies.  (Tarantinoing here:  since things fell through in mid april, this girl from the last post and i arranged for a date saturday.  we were going to go to have tea then walk around the arts district for a monthly gallery event.  thursday, she messaged me and told me that she's been so busy, all she wants is a night in - cuddling and watching movies - to relax.  i agreed.  my decision making doesn't improve from here...)  then i went to check in to the hotel, shower and get ready.  she messaged me: family emergency.  she was going to have to cancel again.  :-(  oh well, i went out for coffee and reading.  she messaged again: her mother is going to take care of things, can we still meet later?  i returned to the hotel after a while to read and wait.  she called.  she arrived and was on her way up.

opening the door, i kind of started.  she wasn't quite what i was expecting from the images she sent me.  taller and thicker than i anticipated.  we hugged.  i invited her in.  made very awkward small talk.  hopped on the bed and went through the movies.  picked one & started it.  she had said she wanted to cuddle when we met, but she was fairly standoffish and wasn't coming across as warm to me.  i tried to give her a bit of friendly massaging and putting an arm around her.  she still seemed closed off.  shit was getting even more awkward.  finally, i figured 'wtf?  nothing to lose here' and leaned in and whispered in her ear that i've wanted to kiss her for the past 3wks.  she was receptive to that and we started to kiss.

that was the turning point for the night.  from then on, we kissed and caressed.  she told me i was taking too long and started pulling her clothes off...  more caressing & kissing.  we started playing.  she was incredibly wet.  obvious that she was completely dtf.  

i don't see the point of getting too into things here.  i fingered her and went down on her and kissed and caressed her.  she wanted to reciprocate.  i kept making her wait b/c i wasn't quite ready for that yet.  finally, i relented and let her go down on me - which she was begging to be able to do.  i forewarned her multiple times that i generally don't finish the first couple of times i'm with someone (this became an issue later on).  we started fucking.  it was 'meh'.  round one went on for nearly 2.5hrs.  she seemed very satisfied - until she realized that i really didn't finish.  then she got pissed.  during our (awkward again) discussion afterwards, she kept asking if she was the best i had (nowhere close), if she was really tight (i mean, it was okay, but nothing to write home about), how her oral skills were (again, lackluster considering that she had told me that she was incredible at it).  so, i was telling her some things she could do to make going down on me more enjoyable.  i started to finger her again then she was immediately into things again.  she started going down on me before we began round 2 (1.5hrs).

there was no secret between us that we both liked things more on the rougher side.  throughout both rounds, i was pulling her hair and choking her - both things she wanted as well.  but, she kept telling me to call her names and degrade her...  i called her everything i could think of - bitch, slut, cunt, whore, tramp, harlot, cum-dumpster.  slapped her across her face and breasts.  spit in her face (which she was totally turned on by).  fishhooked her.  took a bandana and tied a knot into it and used it to gag her.  fucked her as hard as i could while pulling her hair with one hand and choking with the other.  i played along with the dirty talk she wanted.  

again, it was a really long time, i usually don't finish, blah blah blah.  well, she started getting pissed again that i didn't.  she went down on me again (but i had to fight to keep things going on my end and assist things along a bit and just barely managed to finish with all of that).  

she seemed a bit happier that was accomplished.  she cleaned up and got dressed and left.  i jumped straight into the shower and brushed my teeth and fell into fitful, restless sleep.

yeah, it wasn't that great - but it was the first sex i had in 14mos to the day.  it was rough.  i was able to hit her (within the bounds we set for how rough we wanted it) and say some pretty wild shit that i've been wanting to say to younger women about their lack of self-respect and what fucking whores they are.  it felt good getting that out.  achievement unlocked x3: 1) fucking someone more than 10yrs younger than me (she is 20.  just over 13yrs younger) 2) fucking on the first 'date' (though, you'd be hard pressed to call meeting at a hotel to stay in a 'date') 3) fucking a woman born in the 1990s.

the rest of the weekend went off without a hitch.  i managed to garner a job offer (which i've since accepted) and worked out living arrangements to move back next weekend.  was able to see multiple friends i haven't seen in a long time.  so, yeah - that stuff was all positive.

monday, this girl and i were talking again.  she seemed like she wanted to get together again...  i told her, i could reserve a hotel room for tuesday night.  she said that she wanted that so we could hook up and fuck again before i left.  tuesday morning i woke up to a message from her that she wasn't feeling well and couldn't get together.  i told her to get better and take care & we'd see each other next time.  after getting back to NY, i messaged her wed to see if she was feeling better.  she indicated she was, but "we can't sleep together anymore".  i inquired if she still wanted to talk and hang out.  "no".  okay - best wishes blah blah blah.

something tells me that i should be disappointed about being rejected again.  by a 20y/o that i ended up not really being interested in - especially after some of our conversations after the last post.  but all i could manage was "meh.  who the fuck cares?"

now i only have about a week left before i move back, settle into a new apartment setup (with housemates, though...) and start working full-time again on a regular schedule.  now i'm hopeful that a rewrite of my profile and an active attempt to message women again (abandoned since i realized that i was going to need to go to NY for a while) will result in more positive results since i've fucked some tension out and met my goals for fucking someone that young and was completely underwhelmed by it.

here's hoping things keep looking up...

soon - post 130

i've managed to keep up with the running 3x/wk since i've been here (and 1x when i went back to home for an interview).  still doing pretty well on the eating better part as well.

i've only eaten fast food 1x in the past 2wks - had to stop by mighty taco the other day.  went out with my mother this past friday evening and had bbq brisket.  other than that, most meals have been at home (or cooked in the home of someone in the extended family).

what else?  one of the young women i messaged back in early march messaged me at the beginning of the month.  we've been texting non-stop over the past few days and are really hitting it off.  like, making plans for beyond the 1st date coming up a week from today.  she's super low-key mellow, seems very intelligent, is really cute and seems to share a lot of similarities on the major issues with me.  this is going to be my first date since early march last year... i'm so nervous, but with everything we've talked about, i'm so optimistic that i'm going to have a real girlfriend again after this weekend.  if things go as i'm expecting, i'm going to completely fall in love with her even harder than i did for princess.  either it's happily ever after - or i'm going to be completely crushed again :-/

other than that: no movement on the job front or finding an apartment for when i get back.  i'll be back in the mid-west sun-tues (most likely) so i'm really hoping to have all of that sorted out so i can return (triumphantly) during the 1st week of may.  

that's the plan, at any rate.

regressing - post 129

life has been nothing but a series of giant steps back for years - this is just the latest.

the trip from 'home' last time i wrote wasn't the last trip.  the following weekend, i had to return (this time w/ #1 to help her gather stuff as well).  on return from this trip, the housemate knocked on the door before i even had my bag unzipped to unpack and after a brief "how was the trip" came "find a new place to live yet?"

after that, i settled on the following plan:  since my job was ending on the 29th, i was planning on returning 'home' for 2wks to help my mother with anything she needed to get ready for her move at the end of april, anyhow.  so now, i steeled myself to return for a month (or until i found a job, if sooner) after moving everything from the place i was at into storage and readying the things i'd need for a month back 'home'.  while there, i'd catch up with family and my few remaining friends, continue the job search, apartment hunt and help my mother in preparation for her move.

needing to rely on family for housing is a massive regression for me.  i went from one place lacking privacy (and not my own) to another where i lack the same privacy and am saddened by it not being me on my own again.  the area around 'home' is incredibly depressing, dirty, lacking options for entertainment / escape and just maddeningly sad.

i'm working on implementing a strategy for running every other day.  as well as eating better.  salad and chix'n and broccoli for dinner last night.  tonight i roasted a chix'n of my own and had green beans and salad.  that chix'n will feed me for another night or two, then i'll rip up the rest and use it to make pasta sauce (puttanesca) to finish out the week/end.  next week, i'm going to crockpot up some chili.  trying to have vegetables and salads regularly.  avoiding fast food / junk food.  stretching every night (3 exercises recommended by my massage therapist).

i'm hoping to find a job sooner than later.  i keep telling myself, i just need to get through the year.  the selection board meets in october and i'll be able to bolt off to OCS early in 2014.  in the meantime, i keep searching.  just need to find something to make enough money to live off of until i leave for OCS (if accepted)... 

*sigh*

so much bad, ugly shit these past few years.  i'm not sure how i manage to keep fighting through it.  it's breaking me.  the stress of it all keeps piling up & i have no idea how much more water can build behind the dam before it bursts... 

it has to get better, right? - post 128

i cannot remember the last time something has gone right for me.

this past week i was rejected from another job i interviewed for (one of my best shots in, at least, 2yrs), nearly wrecked my car on the way home from work after our supervisor told us he wouldn't get us hotel rooms for the night (after telling us that he would in the event of a large snow event so we didn't have to drive in unsafe conditions at 0400), had a miserable trip 'home' to clean stuff out of my mother's place since she's moving next month, nearly wrecked on the way home because i couldn't leave when i wanted to and there were incredibly heavy rains and tons of ponding on the interstate, came back to find that we'd not have a functional shower for more than a week ---- and that's just the major shit from the past week.

met a friend for tea tonight and she made the mistake of asking what's been going on when i said things have just been miserable.  she stopped me to say that i was being too negative.  i replied that i spent the entire drive over trying to think of something good that's happened and i was completely blank.

i'm going to be laid off from my current job on the 29th.  i've managed to save a little bit and have a small cushion - but i really need something here soon.  

something has to break soon so that i can pretend to have a life worth living... 

still fucked up - post 127

it occurred to me that, somewhere around 4yrs ago this past week, snowflake and i were sitting on her couch, making out & airing our dirty laundry when we stopped, looked at each other and she smiled, let out a small, single, humorless laugh and uttered those infamous words:

"god... we are two of the most fucked up people in the world."

whores - post 126

i fucking hate whores.  

srsly, i just deleted texts from last night from my reader feed because of how disgusted i am at the behavior of women these days.

(202): I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.

i can't make this shit up.  

(506): He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?

and yet, the stereotype remains that dudes are dogs and we're just out to fuck anything that moves.

plus, this city is full of girls (i refuse to acknowledge them as "women" or even "chix") that are exactly like the ones above.  suddenly, i'm regretting Operation Beaver Free Twenty-One-Three a whole lot less.

the pull - post 125

i've long been terrified of heights.  lower heights (from standing precariously on a 6' ladder to, idk, 30-40', maybe) seem too easy to fall from and get moderately hurt.  but taller heights... they scare me for a different reason.  

heights tempt me.  they call to me.  they are in a perpetual battle with my ever weakening will.  the beckon me to take that one more step.  to feel the freedom of the fall.  would i feel free?  terror?  would it hurt?  would i bounce?  feel anything?  would Terra welcome me with a firm embrace?  would i live, horrible mangled and unable to do anything?

tonight i felt myself looking for a place to sit and think.  i nearly went to a little area by a dam to the northwest of the city.  the black, inky water with the limited lights of night on it would be relaxing, i thought.  but as i drew near, my thoughts turned to an acquaintance of mine that fell from that overlook by the dam and nearly died.  would his fate be mine?  would i survive the step off?  would Terra's embrace take my life from me?  would it be far enough?  too far?

again, the pull of the abyss tugged at my will.  urging me on to it.

weak and near tears, i resisted.  kept driving.  i found myself being pulled towards a reservoir / dam to the northeast of the city.  a fair road traveled over the top of the dam and spillway.  i've looked over that edge many times.  it's not so far.  i'd be unscathed.  would i?  it's not far enough.  

again, the pull.  that one step into the open air.  the black of night between me and the ground.  the thrilling fall.  over far too fast....

quickly, i wheeled my car around and followed a lesser river towards home.  no dams.  high cliffs, though.

softly, they whispered to me earlier today.  more of a curiosity.  it barely registered.  step over the reminder fence and a short hop.  nothing between me and the river below.  naught but 100' of air and nothingness.  i've looked over that outlook more times than i can remember in the past decade.  pretty sure i've conquered that particular urge, though.

the electricity in the air of niagara falls is another story.  how easy it would be to step off that brink.  nearly 200' to the tumultuous water below.  to feel the mists and airblasts rising up as you're falling down.  the utter immersion in the here and now of the abyss that envelopes you into it.  on a windy, misty day, her tendril-like fingers wrap around you and pull you towards it.  softly at first, begging you to take a look.  then your wits fade and you lean further over.  looking at a sensual mistress calling you to her with longing and desire.

i'm not the only one that feels this pull, am i? 

changing it up - post 124

having been on quite the non-fiction kick over the past 3yrs± - i've decided that i will embark on a minor quest to read a number of fiction series that i've been planning on, but neglecting.

just based on access alone, i'll be starting with Ken Follett's Pillars series:
Pillars of the Earth
World Without End

next up - the Millennium Trilogy:  
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
The Girl Who Played with Fire
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest

Tolkien is next:

The Hobbit
The Fellowship of the Ring
The Two Towers
The Return of the King

Douglas Adams made the list with the intentionally misnamed Hitchhiker's Trilogy 

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Life, the Universe and Everything
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Mostly Harmless

His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman:

Northern Lights (The Golden Compass)
The Subtle Knife
The Amber Spyglass

finally, Tales of the Cthulhu Mythos ed.: August Derleth wraps up this year's *planned* reading.

plus, i still have about 10 or so non-fiction books on my shelf that i need to wrap up as well...

not a packed year, but there's still a fair bit to plow through.

official 2012 wrap up - post 123

this is going to be a little tough to do, so i'm going to rely on some odd formatting for me to make sure i hit all of the highlights.

1.)  Challenge 2012 (from post 68 - 06 jan 2012)

•  break 100 posts on this blog - FAIL.  
• 59 total.  nearly 60% complete towards the goal, but not quite.  posting died hard in march with the abrupt end to my success in "meeting" women interested in going on a date with me.  following the 2nd set of "dates" w/ munchkin in early / mid march - i only managed to go on one other date all year.

•  have sex w/ a young woman >120mos (10yrs) younger than me - FAIL.
• i only had sex w/ 1 girl in 2012. 
• she was only (est) 84mos younger.

2.)   Women

•  as mentioned above - i only had sex 1x all year.  that was kind of fail.
• 7 women total that i went on at least 1 date with for a combined total of 12 dates.
• more in-depth numbers are in order here though:
• dating site #1 - messaged 92 women.
• I went on dates w/ 5 different women from this site - only 3 of which replied to my initial message (munchkin, the violinist and the post-doc).
• 8 dates total - munchkin accounts for 3 of those and we went out 2 separate times.  1 date in jan when we met.  2 in march after we ran into each other again.
•  I messaged munchkin back in 2011 - it took her a while to reply
• 2 initiated contact with me
•  the bi-girl and the unnamed one i went out with in late november
•  bi girl is the one i had sex with.  sex was terrible. i didn't actually like her.  2 dates.  she never replied after blowing me off for what was supposed to be our 3rd date.
• the one from late november has traded a few additional messages with me, but has been out of town for almost the entirety of the time we have spoken.  now she's heading out of the country this month.  i don't see anything there.
•  dating site #2 - messaged 5 women with no replies.  
• 4 messaged me 1st.
• 1 date with 1 - it was a bad experience.  the others - either no interest in or they couldn't carry on a conversation and were not worth talking to.

• IRL
• i went on 3 dates with 1 woman i met through a buddy - pikachu.  multiple previous posts indicate how that went.

3.)   Employment 

• rife with rejections.
• many dozens of positions applied to including nearly 3doz w/ various coffee shops - all rejected - only one management training spot replied with that rejection.
• positions in my field were few and far between.  the ones i applied to were met with an abundance of applicants.  quite often, i was one of 180-220+ applicants vying for one single position.
• the only one willing to take me on was a PT/Seasonal position operating heavy equipment doing snow removal (and various other maintenance tasks).  that position is now in its final 90 days until it ends for the year.

4.)   Misc.

• i've failed for a 2nd year in a row to focus on my knitting to make it work as a revenue generator. the vendor i had that was interested in selling some of my wares was too flaky to decide on what to buy and was painfully slow in returning payment.
• i lost the freedom of living alone.  unemployment nearly bankrupt me to the point that i needed to move into a spare bedroom with my friends.
• the financial situation caused me to rely on family to an extent that i seriously have a hard time thinking of myself as an adult.
• insomnia continues to torture me.
• my one attempt at a relaxing trip backpacking turned into an unmitigated disaster.
• i met Lindsey Stirling... that was cool.
• i couldn't afford to see TSO this year... that was not cool.
• it's looking like i'm not going to be able to afford my season tickets for our local footy team.  and i've been going since 2007 and a season ticket holder since 2008.
• some volunteer opportunities have presented themselves & i'm trying to make the most of them.
• i began the process of enlisting into the military as an officer.  still in the process of that.  we shall see where that road leads.
• the list titled "my friends" has grown shorter.  as has the list titled "living relatives".
• there was a month that i had a total of $25 to feed myself.  ramen noodles were consumed far too frequently.  sometimes, 2pks / day for lunch/dinner. while brekkers consisted of graham crackers & milk.  mac&chz every now and then.  it was eye-opening in terms of how i took notice of all the wasted food i saw everywhere i looked...
• hands down - 2012 was one of the lowest years of my life.

sleepless in snowville - post 122

this one will probably be a quick entry.

today's forecast is for 4-10" & so far, there's been a lot of sleet / freezing shit falling. i tried to go to bed at a reasonable hour last night (0200) to prepare for today - but it was well after 0400 before i managed to work my way to sleep...  then i woke up around 0800 thanks to the pinging of icy stuff off the window.  

needless to say, a piss-poor night's worth of sleep combined with a 12.5hr shift tonight (and most likely again tmrw with a possibility for another one friday, dependent on how much falls in total) doesn't bode well for me.

bright side:  the storm (Euclid, i believe they're calling it) should be wrapping up by the time i get out at 0330.  if that forecast holds, then tmrw will just be cleanup after the storm.  the figure most often bandied around work is that each 1" = 24hrs to remove.  there's some potential for more than a little bit of OT for the remainder of the week...