fuck it - post 18

fuck it - i quit....

tonight i realized that whatever it was i thought was "confidence" or "fearlessness" is gone. my ability to approach is currently non-existent. once again, i find myself terrified - not of rejection, but rather, of the evil D&D whores. there's too many girls w/ bf's and it's getting hard to tell which ones are single and interested. especially when the one's w/ bf's (or are "kinda seeing someone, nothing official or anything") still want to talk to you and let you buy them a drink or take them to dinner.

i don't care...

i was at a party where they rented out the lower level of Hampton's and it was kinda cool. i couldn't figure out what was up w/ the chix. who was w/ who? who might of been interested. there were only a couple of chix i would've been interested, but intermittently they would be hanging off some dude(s) or dancing w/ other guys. i was too intimidated to even approach them.

clubs and loud places don't work for me. i agree w/ a friend's apprehension about girls met in a bar. where should i look? at the library or the grocer's market?

fuck it.... i don't care right now.

i have 2 tix for the symphony this weekend. i even asked for the shift off from work. i've asked the girl i dated in feb if she'd go w/ me... thus far she's ignored me (#2 from post 1 - if you're keeping score). i also asked the ex (girl #1 from post 1) she said no, so i asked if she had any single friends who would be interested in going. that ended as delightfully as one would expect. idk who to ask. maybe i'll just eat the cost of the ticket and go alone.... pick up some chick there. you know, b/c that's so likely to happen.

FML

random thought of the day - post 17

i can't explain it at all - but for some reason i have this overwhelming urge to try to reel in a ginger and fuck the pale out of her....

this concludes the random thought of the day. carry on.

randoms - post 16

i'm freaking the fuck out... at this point, i have no idea if i'll still be in grad school next year. my gpa isn't doing as well as it needs to be & i'm having a really hard time caring about my classes this quarter. i've tried, but i can't do it :-(

ever since the break-up (w/ #1), i've been trying to get my shit together and get back on stuff. i thought it was getting better, then the break up w/ #2 rolled around. that's when i started drinking more and trying to go out everynight that i'm not working until 0130 or later. i didn't really care too much whether or not things worked out w/ #3, i knew she wasn't LT potential - but thought we could've had some fun together. as for #4.... i'm not counting on hearing from her for a follow up date.

the other realization i had today (while talking w/ #2) is that i've lost my ability to read people. it used to be almost 2nd nature to me... but now - i feel lost, w/ out a map, and clearly lacking a clue....

as for options for summer (should i not be in school anymore) i'm looking to get an OTR driving job, home everynight though, so that could work. and the pay would be solid as well - at least in comparison to the weak ass pay i've made these past 5 years.

i'm also more and more seriously considering my prior thoughts of freelance writing / photography... idk if anything will come of it - but i'm going to try to make some moves to move it closer to being a reality. sooo - that may mean there'll be more posts (some, like this one, fairly unrelated to dating) just for the writing experience. i will label those "randoms - post ##).

now, it looks like i'll be working on finding #5 by the end of the month - i have tix to the season finale of CSO and would like to go w/ a pretty lass dressed up nice and cute like... i'm not making horrible progress on my 12 in 12 goal :-/

untitled - post 15

a run down:
(from post 1)
#1 - has informed me that she doesn't even want to talk to me for the foreseeable future
#2 - i've tried a couple of times to ask her to do things w/ me (movie, the veronicas concert, lunch, ladies 80s) - she's agreed to a couple, then cxld (should actually be expected from her....)
#3 - we're civil to each other in class, but i have no desire to hang out w/ her outside of class
(from post 11)
#4 - idk... i asked her to the veronicas concert when we went out sunday, but that didn't fly. tried to see if she wanted to go out today (it was last minute since the weather cleared, so i didn't really expect she would), then i asked her if she was interested in ladies 80s tonight, but rec'd no response.

E filled me in on the fuzzier details w/ the most beautiful women i had ever seen... apparently i asked her out, but she said she had a b/f... :-(

prospects are starting to look a little bleak(ish) especially since i don't go too many places other than school, work, and out w/ friends... i'm silently plotting my next move. i guess.

:-/

zomg - post 14

okay - last night (12 may 2009) was an AMAZING concert.... australian pop group The Veronicas @ skully's. it was unreal! i couldn't keep my eyes off jess at all. or our bartender. she was the most beautiful woman i've seen - in my life. even more so than my beautiful girl i dated earlier this year. i chatted w/ her while getting our drinks and a bit more after the show. i talked her into hanging out for a bit after and buying a drink for her (to make up for the fact that i started my tab downstairs i had to close it down there so she wouldn't get the tip). things start getting fuzzy after that shot. i'm pretty sure i tried to pick her up... i'm not entirely sure. since i couldn't find any new numbers in my phone or pocket, i'm assuming i got shot down :-(

i ended up going to the show w/ my good friend E since the new girl i went out w/ on sunday couldn't go and i ran through my list of potentials pretty quickly.... she'd never heard of the Veronicas, but ended up enjoying the show (i think).

fortunately, i remember the entire show and enjoyed it quite a bit... it's after the show that things started getting lost...

date recap - post 13

yesterday (sunday 10 may 2009) i went on a date w/ a bright, interesting, and adorable young woman. and today, i'm not sure how to write this recap...

i picked her up @ 1330 and we went down to the arena district to watch the new star trek movie. we walked to the north market and had some ice cream for desert @ a local boutique shop. from there we walked through the short north and talked. ended up going into surly girl for lunch, since we were already all the way at the north end of the short north. we talked during lunch. walked back towards the arena district. walked through the park on the way back to the car.

nearly to the car i finally got he nerve up to put an arm around her & on her back.... told her i really enjoyed spending the day w/ her and that we'll have to do it again. she said yeah... i quickly added "if you're interested, that is" to which she responded "it's worth giving it another try" (or something pretty damn close to that).

i didn't know how to take that. she said she's just slow to warm up to people. D told me not to worry about it too much and not to read too much into it... i'm trying to take that to heart.

we may go to a concert on tuesday... we may go to one of the parks to take some pictures on thursday....

her eyes are so bright and curious, searching... i wish i really knew what other people saw when they looked at me - i've never found the mirror too impressive... what does she see? what did my beautiful co-worker see? what did.... you get the point.

the date started and ended w/ a set of hugs. i guess they served as bookends for the day.

updates - post 12

i think i'm going to try to keep this fairly short - only 2 real points of interest at this time.

i spoke w/ the young lady i met the other night. extended an invite for her to call me this evening if she wanted to do anything after my MT... figured it would be a good chance to see each other w/out waiting all the way until sunday. and as for sunday - we're going to go see the star trek movie, walk through the short north (arts district) and have lunch @ betty's (which i've never tried). i'm really looking forward to this!!! she seems like she's going to be a lot of fun to hang out with and talk to - i hope i can meet up to her expectations so we can give this a solid try.

backtracking to yesterday - i saw my classmate (in class). she sat next to me as usual and kind of awkwardly proceeded: "ummm i have to ask you something" so i indicated for her to go ahead. she went on "is there, ugh, anyway i can pay you for the ticket to the footy match, since you wouldn't take money for parking and didn't want any food while we were there?" i said sure, but i didn't know what the face value of the ticket was - and since i bought it at the stadium, there were no additional fees. she said $18 and whipped out a little stack of bills (apparently pre-separated for the occasion) and handed them over. part of me thinks it's kinda cool that she stepped up and did that. the other part is still... meh... whatever...

got another date - post 11

well - tonight i went out w/ a buddy who invited me to watch the cav's (nba) game at a bar/restaurant near campus w/ him. he invited a few friends, including a cute young lass, who shares my interest in photography. we got to talking... i have no idea what happened in the cav's game. and sadly - ignored the other 3 peeps w/ me (w/ shame i admit - i also ignored my good friend, who invited me - and who i was there to see).

i feel a little bad about that part.

but - i'm sure he understands... and if not, i'll be seeing a comment indicating such below this post :-) sorry man!!!

sooo - i had a really good time talking to this young woman and she seems like someone who i would enjoy spending time with and getting to know. we talked about the usuals - what are you doing in school, tastes in music, movies, etc... a preview for the new star trek came on and i said i'd like to see it. we talked for a while longer. she kept holding my gaze. we were smiling @ each other. i motioned for her to come closer - and when she did, i figured it was as clear a sign i could ask for w/ out being on a bulletin board, so i told her my weekend's pretty free and asked if she would like to go see the movie w/ me sunday and have lunch.

she agreed. wrote her number on a sweet & low packet for me ;-) and i said something stupid like "is that b/c you're imitation sweet?" she laughed a little laugh and my good friend rode me for it being one of the lamest "pick-up lines" he's ever heard.

we talked a bit more, then i decided it would be a good idea to ask if she was seeing anyone... i learned that lesson as a result of dating (so i thought) my classmate. fortunately the response was a negative delivered w/ a smile. soooo yeah.... i told her i'd call thursday and we'll solidify some plans for sunday!

looking forward to it - she seems like a really cool girl and i'm looking forward to hanging out w/ her!