feeling sick - post 19

not ill - but sick to my stomach.

i did something i needed to do, but as usual - my timing sucks. like i said a few posts ago, i was still interested in the girl i dated in feb/mar (girl #2 from post 1) and wanted to try to give things between us another chance. we didn't talk for about a month after we broke up. then we started talking a little. it wasn't anything near the conversations we had before we started to see each other that made me fall for her, but it was something...

it took me so long to work up the courage to have the following conversation with her. i was so nervous that my stomach felt odd and i felt a little tremor in my hands as i typed it out:

[...]
victor 10:17
can i ask you something
girl #2 10:17
ask away
victor 10:19
would you be interested in giving things between us another try over summer - when, in theory, both of our lives will be far less insane than they were earlier in the year
girl #2 10:19
probably not, i am giving the guy that is fixing my bike a chance
victor 10:21
good deal... i hope things work out for you
girl #2 10:20
thanks
you have disconnected
10:28

after her final response, i felt sick. my hands were shaking w/ nerves and from being upset. all i wanted to do was to have a drink. none of my friends were available, so i left school and drove home. stopped at a gas station and bought some pepsi to have w/ my rum... i couldn't focus on my paper or project due in two days. i can't focus on anything other than trying to chat w/ a few classmates that are online right now - just to take my mind off of it.

i'm pretty upset... but i'm trying to convince myself i needed this. her slamming the door shut on me, that is. i hooked up w/ a friend a while back and our friendship just ended w/ no closure - it left me hurt and wanting her for nearly 2.5yrs. it ruined my relationship w/ the ex. it basically fucked me up more than anything else in memory.

now that i have this level of closure - i can move on, right? put her behind me, not talk to her anymore, not think that maybe there can still be something between us, and get on with my fucking life - right?

i hope this is what i needed and that i can move on and not get hung up on her.

now... there's this cute little blonde girl in two of my classes. we talked a little bit last week and she seemed pleasant. i introduced myself "officially" today. i think thursday i'm going to ask her how next week (exam week) looks for her and see if she would like to go out with me...

if only i can put this and all of my papers and projects behind me between now and thursday and sack up to ask her... will post and let you know how things go!