starting to freak out - post 32

so, i made it through the 1st round and ended up w/ an interview for DHS. interview's tomorrow & i'm freaking out a little bit... part of me sees this as a great opportunity to get in w/ the feds and end up w/ a decent job & a GS-12 pay rate at the end of the 2-year program. the other part of me sees it as having to pick up and leave cowtown and start a new life in DC, which as we know isn't one of my top 10 cities....

no clue what will happen... i don't know if i'll get it or if i'll even make it through this 2nd round. but if i do - no more CREW matches, no hanging out w/ my peeps here, no rush CBJ, good-bye to my hockey team, good-bye to #1 (http://victorscrazylife.blogspot.com/2009/04/intro-post-1.html). i'll have to find a new Lodge, new friends, new place to play hockey or take up a new sport...

i have no idea what to think about this, and i'm starting to freak the fuck out over it. and it's still something that might not even happen...

we are... i am.... - post 31

in what seems a lifetime ago, i was sitting on a couch w/ the 20 y/o (#2) right when we were starting to figure out what was going on w/ us. we took turns telling each other issues in our lives that preceded us starting to see each other. when we each said what we had to she made a small, single, humourless laugh and said:

"god, we are two of the most fucked up people in the world."

ages ago... back sometime in february... yet today, i found myself looking at myself, my life, where i am, where i might go. like her, without humour, i smiled to myself and realized something - she was right (if nothing else, at least, about me).

athena - post 30

hokay... and we're back to our regularly scheduled programming and topical matter.

i'm going to say a name, and those who have known me for a number of years will sigh collectively and say something to the effects of "dear god... HER AGAIN?!??!?"

athena.

in grecian mythology, one of the many names for the goddess athena was "the grey eyed goddess". in my lexicon it refers to the girl who is the root of so very many of my issues. she w/ the grey eyes, rocking little body, the bestest kisser, and the root of one of the best nights i've had - my sweet, beautiful goddess athena.

so, we hooked up, it was fun, and i was instantly full of regret that we never dated. from then until this past february (when i started seeing the 20 y/o) i thought about her way too frequently and tried to figure out what i could have changed. then, she was out of my thoughts for months... gone. until one day, i saw her name (her real name) and i allowed a brief thought of her. as the past few months have gone by, i've thought of her more....

sometimes, it sickens me that i can't put her out of my mind. the rest of the time, i wish i could have done the things necessary for her and i to have had a chance together.

i can't have her. i can't stop wanting her. i've compared every girl since to her. i've actually dated 2 b/c of similar features / mannerisms.... i need to figure out how to do one of two things: get her or forget about her forever.

now the interactive part: ideas? go!