no title - post 43

it's entirely too early in the morning for me to be awake (esp. considering i've been up since yesterday morning) and yet, here i am...

currently, i'm blasting The End of Heartache by Killswitch Engage through the laptop and loving rocking out to this tune.

i took snowflake to the airport today - picked her up @ 0530, which in large part explains my lack of sleep today. i know this seems like "doing something nice for her", but i'm hoping this is more like the last time i saw athena. i drove her to the airport in dayton, gave her a hug, watched her walk away and haven't seen her since - nearly 4yrs ago.... i want snowflake out of my fucking life, but i don't know how to write someone out of it like that. i need some ideas, some advice... tips and tactics.

anberlin's Feel Good Drag is next up - again, another rockin' tune.

a new job would be most helpful in writing her out - seeing her every single day isn't helping me. i know why i'm so attached to her. it all goes back to athena. athena flat out told me that if me & #1 weren't together, her and i would be. on a few occasions when i was talking to her about how unhappy i was, she even tried talking me into leaving #1 saying that everything would work out. i was too afraid to make that leap and do what was necessary to be w/ her. for nearly 5yrs i've regretted that.

despite everything going on in our lives @ the time, when snowflake gave me the opportunity to be w/ her, i pounced on it - terrified that if i didn't, it would be everything that happened w/ athena all over again.

i feel like i'm perched on the edge of a crossroad - i'm trying to get back into working out. i've changed my look, i'm trying to forget about her (snowflake), working on finding the new job that i hope will bring some semblance of satisfaction to my life - and yet, while i walk that edge, i feel so many forces pushing me over it to the wrong side...

disappointment - post 42

there's times that i'm convinced portions of my life have themes to them... the most recent portion seems to be themed disappointment.

disappointment comes in all shapes & sizes. presently, i'm disappointed about my current employment status, my financial reality, my romantic life, the path of my life & a sundry array of other things.

i disappointed a friend on friday. earlier in the week he invited me to a party. when i saw him thursday night he gave me the details: starting btwn 2300-0000, held at a private members-only nightclub, bottle service, and a couple dozen models. yeah, runway models. sounds pretty sweet, yes?

fast forward a couple of hours, he and i end up at a club (next door to where this party's going to be happening) so he can meet up w/ this girl he knows. instantly, i'm out of my element. i don't get it --- i like house / dance / techno music... i like club girls, the fun clothes they wear, their dance moves, the fact that they're enjoying themselves --- but i fucking hate clubs. the over priced drinks, the meat market mentality, the crush of bodies (i don't do so well w/ being touched by strangers). i don't think i made it 1/2 an hour...

thinking about the upcoming party, i spent the remainder of that night and the morning trying to psych myself up for it. it's a private party w/ models - how could i not be excited about this? then i realized, "i need to get myself 'psyched' at the thought of partying w/ models... what the fuck?"

i texted my buddy and told him i was going to pass... he called me asking wtf i was talking about. i could hear at first that he thought i was joking. "dude - it's a fucking model party! there are no rainchecks, there is no 'next time', wtf is wrong w/ you?!?!" (roughly paraphrased)

then there it was - the disappointment in his voice... "you sure, man?"

**********************

generally, i try to avoid expecting much in people, that's a surefire way to find disappointment. i keep expecting things in myself and sure enough, i end up disappointed. i've done things that have left others disappointed in me. now, the trend continues.... i disappoint others but try to keep from being disappointed by the actions of other people.

snowflake disappoints me. i've realized that our 'friendship' is very one sided. i cling to hope for something that will never happen. we last hung out in june. the last time we had one of our long, amazing conversations (the ones that made me break my no coworkers rule, my no one under 25 rule, and even the (age ÷ 2) +7 rule) was back in february of 2009. pretty fucking close to 2 goddamned years ago. still, she asks for things / favors. stupidly i keep doing them, expecting to feel my fondness and affections returned.

last night, i left that club with some serious questions about my self-worth. i was feeling like my ego was thoroughly crushed. then i started thinking about her and the fact that i need to write her out of my life. how bad she makes me feel... how disappointed i am in the way things turned out.

again --- the current theme: disappointment.

i may be wrong - post 41

chix (part 1):

so, in post 39 i was talking about my attraction to #2 (who, for the sake of confusing the shit out of you, shall from here on out be referred to as "snowflake") being solely based on how she reminds me of athena. well.... the more i work w/ her and see her nearly every day, the more i realize this was more than a little inaccurate.

we worked together sunday, and she was looking amazing. she still had mascara on from the night before and she had straightened her hair. i couldn't take my eyes off her.

i texted her:

"I'm not 100% on the best way to say this, but...
today, you helped me realize how right I was about something I once said:. you are the most beautiful woman in the world."

so, yeah.... i'm still stupidly enamored with her. honestly, i can't think of anything that would make me happier than kissing her again and calling her my "it's complicated". she's the only person who can keep my mind off athena and i haven't exactly been 'happy' too often when we haven't been together.

career:

i made it through a webcam interview for that job and was invited to the community as a finalist for 2 days worth of interviews. it was as umm.... exciting... as one would expect it to be. i don't think i'll get the job, but i'm not going to lose any sleep over it. it's so far from everything. about 3 hrs from home, so i'd end up losing most of my friends. nearly 1hr from a city. i'd be bored. the small town thing would end up being the death of me, i'm sure.

chix (part 2):

so the german classmate girl (#3 - i think) randomly called me out of nowhere last thursday. "hey, it's been a pretty shitty rough week or two, we should get together next week and do something." so we agreed to get together last night (monday).

well.... i worked sunday for 16hrs until 0400, went home and hit bed @ 0500 and was up by 0900 monday morning. went to work noon-1900 then went and had dinner w/ her. 4hrs sleep, nearly 1/2 gallon of coffee. yeah - it was a great time :-)

i emailed her saying it was fun & we should get together again soon for margarita night (last time that happened, she threw me over the trunk of her car and proceeded to make out for a while) and she promptly replied that that's an amazing idea, but work & school are pretty chaotic right now. we settled on the week after thanksgiving to get together again.

idk that i'd be interested in dating her. it really didn't work out last time and i'm pretty sure we want too different things in a relationship, so it might not be a great idea to try. however, i would totally be into us having a bit of fun & going out every now and then. maybe some quality making out. maybe something more? updates as events warrant.

:-) - post 40

well folks, here we are. today's been an epically good day for me (of sorts). i received a call from the job search committee of a position i applied for telling me that i'm one of their top preliminary pics and they want to set up an interview with me! this is exactly the type of position i dreamed about getting right after graduation, so i'm super excited about this. and nervous. and hopeful. i'd have to move to virtually the middle of nowhere, but for the experience, it's one of the best moves i can make.

sadly though, i didn't have anyone to share the good news with in person. but i saw #2 @ work today. she saw my post about getting the interview and i saw hers about her good day so we shared a nice hug. just a bit longer and tighter than is appropriate between friends. then after we both finished our shifts, but still had time before punching out, we sat together in the break room watching southpark. i couldn't help it... i put my arm around her, held her close and rubbed her back for the whole thing. she didn't object. a few coworkers saw us & surprisingly, i didn't care.

clearly, there's something very fucking wrong with me...

shit. i still like her & would totally be into us having another chance (or at least just being able to hook up w/ her). i feel like this isn't good.

it hits like a kick in the nuts - post 39

a few yrs ago, when i first met #2 - well... became acquainted w/ her presence @ work (i never actually talked to her until more than a year after she started working there & found out she was a bright & interesting person) i saw her standing in the break room leaning against the wall & i had to do a double take b/c for the briefest moment, when i first saw her, i thought it was my goddess athena.

she was at work yet again today... idk how i'm going to make it through the rest of the year seeing her 3-4x / wk. when i hear her voice, see her post on fb, think about her - whatever - i find myself feeling infuriated and think about how much i dislike her (esp. for the bullshit way she chose to break up w/ me). however, when ever i see her i feel a little anxious, attracted to her and remember why i went out with her - she's stunning & i greatly enjoy conversing with her.

over the past few weeks i've started more fully admitting to myself how i truly feel about athena. i love her, even in all that time we were friends before we hooked up, i knew i loved her & that i want to be with her. well, one of the reasons i was so attracted to #2 is b/c of how much she reminds me of athena.... and like a kick in the nuts, it hit me. i'm still attracted to her & still want to hang out w/ her (& potentially hook up w/ her) b/c she's the closest thing i have to my little goddess. she's little more than 2nd place to the one i want to be with and can't have.

in a way, this is good - it means that #2 no longer has any manner of hold on me, i recognize that i'm only interested in her b/c she's a potential proxy for the one i want to be with. in a way, it's bad - this month will be 4yrs since i've seen athena, ~3 since we've spoken - yet *she* is the one that has this ridiculous hold on me that i just cannot break free of (and considering how much i want to date her) that i don't want to break free from...

selling my scruples - post 38

the job i've been working in has been becoming more and more irregular and my pay has been shriveling. without delving into too much detail, i've barely made 40hrs in the past 2wks, the hours are more erratic than ever and i can just barely cover my bills. so, i've been picking up shifts at the place i worked as a student (hired on as a 50%FTE @ $5.50 /hr higher than i made back then) - when working this past week and bullshitting with my supervisor, he told me that they're hurting for workers & need help. i took it as a good sign for me & requested a set schedule for the remainder of the year - a 4 day / 36hr set schedule... it's still not quite enough to pay the bills, but allows me the opportunity to work part time as well somewhere else and know what i'm doing every day & can plan a budget knowing exactly how many hours i'll get from week to week.

when i graduated, i swore i was done w/ that place - but my principles and scruples have been sold... we all have a mortgage to pay, nay?

on to women.

my beautiful little goddess, athena. her birthday approaches, and as i do every year - i'll call and wish her another year of happiness, and that her coming year greets her with naught but success, good fortune & the requisite happiness she deserves. and that call will be ignored. and i'll continue to miss my love.

back to the old job means i see #2 from post 1 needless to say, i'm full of mixed feelings about seeing her. she's an interesting & intelligent young woman, enjoyable to converse with. i miss hanging out w/ her and talking to her. she's beautiful. her eyes are so cold yet filled with emotion, her facial features are so stunning... beautiful cheekbones, soft lips, a pleasing jawline, silken hair. at times, i feel like i hate her - others, i'm enamored with her. i have no clue what i should do about her. i've been told that she's not worth it, 'fuck her', ignore her, don't waste your time, etc. sage advice, but let's face it - i can't obey my own rules, much less follow advice that has me writing off a woman i care for.

as i said in post 36, i've been spending some time with #1 lately. spent the weekend w/ her in Indy 2wks ago - it was a fairly enjoyable break from the usual. but alas, while i enjoy seeing her, i feel as though something is missing, i feel incomplete without my athena in my life. likewise with #2, i can't bring myself to just write her out of my life. i don't love her... not like i do athena & #1, but i don't want to lose yet another enjoyable conversationalist that i care for.

i don't know where i'm heading with this...

the end of a decade - post 37

i'm sitting here typing and looking at the clock which reads 30 sept 2010 23:05. that means that 2010 is nearly over. by extension, the first full decade of this millennium is nearly over. and here @ VCL, that fact is causing me to reflect on the shit that's happened since the clock turned over into the 2XXX's.

seriously, i don't know where the fuck to start... i'm okay with saying that this full decade has been largely shit with an occasional good thing tossed in here & there. i've made some good friends & lost others. graduated w/ a bachelor's degree and master's degree in 6 total years. turned into a financial disaster. found out what it's like to live fully alone. broke up w/ a long term gf. increased my total rejection totals. dated a few girls. hooked up w/ one that was only the 2nd (of 2, as of now) that i truly loved - then she moved out of state and our friendship fell apart, to the point that we haven't spoken in nearly 4yrs - nevermind the fact that we never got to have a 'real relationship' like i wanted, more than anything. rules that were made for a reason have been broken. i've gone out with girls i've worked with, been in class with, ones that have been inappropriately young... i've lived in the poverty of both a college student and a working-poor stiff. moved my life to a new state. competed in triathlons and half-marathons, started playing hockey. i've traveled to toronto, virgina beach, nyc, philly, indy, ottawa, thousand islands. started backpacking, took up photography, writing, blogging... made an ass of myself. said inappropriate things. had numerous impure thoughts about people i shouldn't have such thoughts about. around my 29th birthday, i lost my shit and altered nearly every aspect of my life, by the time 30 rolled around, i went back to the way i was before. i've been turned down for over 50 jobs in my field and have a job that barely pays my bills, is unrewarding and, frankly - is depressing the fuck out of me. my life is lived in a state of confusion that can hold it's own to the confusion that surrounds the state of the world as a whole....

the world around me has changed, living in a post-9/11 world. war is ubiquitous. the raping of our planet's resources hasn't slowed down, climates are still changing, the economy is in the shitter. the "sides" in this nation are increasingly divided. the middle east is still a mess. china scares the shit out of me. canada's replaced the soviet union in olympic hockey domination... petrol prices went out of control and haven't gone back down to reasonable levels. people are fascinated with obtaining "fame" & "celebrity" status through reality television / twitter / youtube internet sensationalism.

like i said, i don't know where to begin... or that i could possibly include everything here...

it's still a crazy life - post 36

well, things here @ vcl (victor'scrazylife) have still been chaotic & packed w/ a certain level of uncertainty & insanity that i've been living with for years, but am still not fully accustomed to.

starting w/ the good news - i am no longer a graduate student! @ the end of spring quarter, i received my master's degree.

additionally, i submitted another article nearly a month ago for publication. their deadline is looming and i've not heard anything back from them - and since their policy is to notify all writers of a rejection as soon as the article is removed from consideration, every passing day is another day closer to my 1st paid publication!

moving on to the bad & the crazy...

i've been searching for a "real" job since last october. since graduation, i've been driving semi regionally in the area. a part time office position has been offered to me - but that's been slow in coming. currently, it's been 2 weeks since the position / salary was offered & agreed upon - and yet - i still find myself driving every day i'm at work.

in my field, i'm pretty consistently filling out applications & have had a handful of interviews. i know for a fact that i was in the final 4 out of more than 90 for one position. while there's a certain satisfaction in that - it's not a job offer & my financial situation has been deteriorating as of late.

as the financial situation is bleak, to say the least, i've begun the process of returning to a previous job as a part time / casual employee (at an increase in pay of approximately $5 / hr). hopefully this will work out and i can start banking money to prepare for the inevitable repayment of student loans which should be starting in january.

my schedule and life are completely unpredictable. yesterday, i got a call @ 0645 telling me to come in right away for a full day's work. no time to pack a lunch... fortunately, i keep my bag packed & ready to go by the door...

the dating realm hasn't been remarkable as of late. i've been spending a fair amount of time w/ #1, even though she's moved out of state, she's been coming back here quite a bit in her time off (it must be nice to have a 36hr/wk job that pays more than i've made in the past 5yrs combined)

last weekend, i went on a self-designed lighthouse tour along the southern bank of lake erie in ohio. it was a good excuse to rack up nearly 375 miles on the car in a weekend and spend some time driving. previously, i wrote about put-in-bay as being pretty cool - regrettably, during their 'season' that is not the case... the rampant douchebaggery that occurs there is absolutely sickening. plus, if you're not looking to get trashed - there's very little to do on the island to pass your time.

other than that - life has just been paycheck-to-paycheck trying to cover bills and survive while living in a world of uncertainty w/ nothing that even closely resembles a normal schedule. if that's not sufficient for a crazy life, idk wtf is.

another (unpaid) publication - post 35

i managed to get a 2nd article published in another newsletter. the ohio psychological association published one of my articles in its april newsletter. now if i can get some paid publications - that would be pretty solid...

seriously fucked up day - post 34

man... i don't even know where to start today.

i had class until 1818 (which the prof kept us the entire 3hrs). it was a fairly nice day, so i decided to walk across campus to the building my program is housed in to use our computer lab & print off all the articles i have to read for one of my classes. that went fairly quickly (for about 250 pages...). so i went a few buildings over to the new student union & my day started getting worse and worse from there.

• new policy @ the union - general discount tickets are only available on thursdays after 1700. well, i waited in line trying to get tickets to the zoo but the girl informed me of this new policy. my reply was "well, i have class from 1430-1718, walk all the way across campus, class from 1730-2018, work 2000-0130 - so if you guys are going to be here when i get out around 0145, i'll totally stop by & get them then." to which the expected response "sorry - we're not open that late" was given.
• asshole on the bus trying to start a fight w/ me. for fuck's sake... why do i ride the buses on campus??? so, i'm sitting in one of the front seats on the bus chatting w/ one of my coworkers. the bus pulls up to my stop and i go to get off from the back door (as you're supposed to). this fucking gorilla of a dude is standing in the aisle, arms outstretched holding the support bars on each side of the aisle blocking my egress. so i said "dude - back door's for exiting, i'm trying to get off here." fucker wouldn't move, so hockey mode sets in, i dropped my left shoulder & checked the dumb shit out of my way and get off from the back door. meanwhile this bastard gets off the front door walks up to me, pushes me and says "we got a problem here?" needless to say - i filled him in on what the problem was and was seriously getting ready to kick him in the fucking knees and drop him... finally we just walked away
• no bread to make subs @ the sub shop. after this last incident, i decided to go get off campus, get some food and calm down. i'm waiting in line @ the sub shop & there's a few dudes behind me & a handful of peeps in front of me. after the couple ahead of me orders, the guy behind the counter walks out and says to me & the dudes behind me "hey, that guy just got the last piece of bread we had, so we're going to have to close early & can't make any subs for you" sure, he was cool about it & gave us coupons for free subs - but man, it still blew goats.
• got to see #2 (from post 1) at work - fucking joy... this one frosts me to no end. generally speaking, i start about 6hrs after she goes home (planned that way) so i don't have to see her. but she picked up some overtime today & was still there when i got in. we traded a handful of comments, but as usual, i tried to just ignore her. one of the dudes & i were talking about age differences in dating, dating rules & shit in general. she walked into our conversation while we were discussing XKCD's [(age / 2) + 7] rule and asked what we were talking about, so we explained it. she glanced at me and w/ a straight face said "personally, i've never dated anyone more than 2yrs older than me." somehow i managed to keep it together. recall i turned 29 while we were seeing each other & she was 20. i'm kinda proud of her though - much like me, she's so "invested in the lie" that after all this time, no one @ work even has any inclination that we were dating for a short period last year. and here's where i'm going to start taking shit - seeing her, as always evokes 2 responses in me: 1 - "god, she's hot" & 2 - seeing her infuriates me. as for the hot one... yeah, i don't get it. objectively, she's really not & she's gained a fair amount of weight since last year, but she still looks adorable to me :-( apparently, i really like her, that much, that all i see is her as hot - even over the anger she sparks in me...
• 2nd person trying to start shit w/ me. *sigh* it doesn't fucking end... so this dumb bitch is stopped at a red light & has her entire yukon a good 5 feet past the stop line. so i swing my bus really wide to try to make that turn - which i do w/out a problem. she starts pounding on her horn and opens the door as if to get out and starts screaming at me. what the fuck, people???? i flipped her off and continued on my way.
• there was an insane amount of traffic due to the mcdonald's basketball game - mostly tolerable though.
• no ibuprofen. just b/c today loved kicking me in the balls - my container of ibuprofen was completely empty & i had a raging headache to deal with after all this shit above.

what a bullshit fucking day...