:-) - post 40

well folks, here we are. today's been an epically good day for me (of sorts). i received a call from the job search committee of a position i applied for telling me that i'm one of their top preliminary pics and they want to set up an interview with me! this is exactly the type of position i dreamed about getting right after graduation, so i'm super excited about this. and nervous. and hopeful. i'd have to move to virtually the middle of nowhere, but for the experience, it's one of the best moves i can make.

sadly though, i didn't have anyone to share the good news with in person. but i saw #2 @ work today. she saw my post about getting the interview and i saw hers about her good day so we shared a nice hug. just a bit longer and tighter than is appropriate between friends. then after we both finished our shifts, but still had time before punching out, we sat together in the break room watching southpark. i couldn't help it... i put my arm around her, held her close and rubbed her back for the whole thing. she didn't object. a few coworkers saw us & surprisingly, i didn't care.

clearly, there's something very fucking wrong with me...

shit. i still like her & would totally be into us having another chance (or at least just being able to hook up w/ her). i feel like this isn't good.

it hits like a kick in the nuts - post 39

a few yrs ago, when i first met #2 - well... became acquainted w/ her presence @ work (i never actually talked to her until more than a year after she started working there & found out she was a bright & interesting person) i saw her standing in the break room leaning against the wall & i had to do a double take b/c for the briefest moment, when i first saw her, i thought it was my goddess athena.

she was at work yet again today... idk how i'm going to make it through the rest of the year seeing her 3-4x / wk. when i hear her voice, see her post on fb, think about her - whatever - i find myself feeling infuriated and think about how much i dislike her (esp. for the bullshit way she chose to break up w/ me). however, when ever i see her i feel a little anxious, attracted to her and remember why i went out with her - she's stunning & i greatly enjoy conversing with her.

over the past few weeks i've started more fully admitting to myself how i truly feel about athena. i love her, even in all that time we were friends before we hooked up, i knew i loved her & that i want to be with her. well, one of the reasons i was so attracted to #2 is b/c of how much she reminds me of athena.... and like a kick in the nuts, it hit me. i'm still attracted to her & still want to hang out w/ her (& potentially hook up w/ her) b/c she's the closest thing i have to my little goddess. she's little more than 2nd place to the one i want to be with and can't have.

in a way, this is good - it means that #2 no longer has any manner of hold on me, i recognize that i'm only interested in her b/c she's a potential proxy for the one i want to be with. in a way, it's bad - this month will be 4yrs since i've seen athena, ~3 since we've spoken - yet *she* is the one that has this ridiculous hold on me that i just cannot break free of (and considering how much i want to date her) that i don't want to break free from...

selling my scruples - post 38

the job i've been working in has been becoming more and more irregular and my pay has been shriveling. without delving into too much detail, i've barely made 40hrs in the past 2wks, the hours are more erratic than ever and i can just barely cover my bills. so, i've been picking up shifts at the place i worked as a student (hired on as a 50%FTE @ $5.50 /hr higher than i made back then) - when working this past week and bullshitting with my supervisor, he told me that they're hurting for workers & need help. i took it as a good sign for me & requested a set schedule for the remainder of the year - a 4 day / 36hr set schedule... it's still not quite enough to pay the bills, but allows me the opportunity to work part time as well somewhere else and know what i'm doing every day & can plan a budget knowing exactly how many hours i'll get from week to week.

when i graduated, i swore i was done w/ that place - but my principles and scruples have been sold... we all have a mortgage to pay, nay?

on to women.

my beautiful little goddess, athena. her birthday approaches, and as i do every year - i'll call and wish her another year of happiness, and that her coming year greets her with naught but success, good fortune & the requisite happiness she deserves. and that call will be ignored. and i'll continue to miss my love.

back to the old job means i see #2 from post 1 needless to say, i'm full of mixed feelings about seeing her. she's an interesting & intelligent young woman, enjoyable to converse with. i miss hanging out w/ her and talking to her. she's beautiful. her eyes are so cold yet filled with emotion, her facial features are so stunning... beautiful cheekbones, soft lips, a pleasing jawline, silken hair. at times, i feel like i hate her - others, i'm enamored with her. i have no clue what i should do about her. i've been told that she's not worth it, 'fuck her', ignore her, don't waste your time, etc. sage advice, but let's face it - i can't obey my own rules, much less follow advice that has me writing off a woman i care for.

as i said in post 36, i've been spending some time with #1 lately. spent the weekend w/ her in Indy 2wks ago - it was a fairly enjoyable break from the usual. but alas, while i enjoy seeing her, i feel as though something is missing, i feel incomplete without my athena in my life. likewise with #2, i can't bring myself to just write her out of my life. i don't love her... not like i do athena & #1, but i don't want to lose yet another enjoyable conversationalist that i care for.

i don't know where i'm heading with this...