it's entirely too early in the morning for me to be awake (esp. considering i've been up since yesterday morning) and yet, here i am...
currently, i'm blasting The End of Heartache by Killswitch Engage through the laptop and loving rocking out to this tune.
i took snowflake to the airport today - picked her up @ 0530, which in large part explains my lack of sleep today. i know this seems like "doing something nice for her", but i'm hoping this is more like the last time i saw athena. i drove her to the airport in dayton, gave her a hug, watched her walk away and haven't seen her since - nearly 4yrs ago.... i want snowflake out of my fucking life, but i don't know how to write someone out of it like that. i need some ideas, some advice... tips and tactics.
anberlin's Feel Good Drag is next up - again, another rockin' tune.
a new job would be most helpful in writing her out - seeing her every single day isn't helping me. i know why i'm so attached to her. it all goes back to athena. athena flat out told me that if me & #1 weren't together, her and i would be. on a few occasions when i was talking to her about how unhappy i was, she even tried talking me into leaving #1 saying that everything would work out. i was too afraid to make that leap and do what was necessary to be w/ her. for nearly 5yrs i've regretted that.
despite everything going on in our lives @ the time, when snowflake gave me the opportunity to be w/ her, i pounced on it - terrified that if i didn't, it would be everything that happened w/ athena all over again.
i feel like i'm perched on the edge of a crossroad - i'm trying to get back into working out. i've changed my look, i'm trying to forget about her (snowflake), working on finding the new job that i hope will bring some semblance of satisfaction to my life - and yet, while i walk that edge, i feel so many forces pushing me over it to the wrong side...
27 December 2010
18 December 2010
disappointment - post 42
there's times that i'm convinced portions of my life have themes to them... the most recent portion seems to be themed disappointment.
disappointment comes in all shapes & sizes. presently, i'm disappointed about my current employment status, my financial reality, my romantic life, the path of my life & a sundry array of other things.
i disappointed a friend on friday. earlier in the week he invited me to a party. when i saw him thursday night he gave me the details: starting btwn 2300-0000, held at a private members-only nightclub, bottle service, and a couple dozen models. yeah, runway models. sounds pretty sweet, yes?
fast forward a couple of hours, he and i end up at a club (next door to where this party's going to be happening) so he can meet up w/ this girl he knows. instantly, i'm out of my element. i don't get it --- i like house / dance / techno music... i like club girls, the fun clothes they wear, their dance moves, the fact that they're enjoying themselves --- but i fucking hate clubs. the over priced drinks, the meat market mentality, the crush of bodies (i don't do so well w/ being touched by strangers). i don't think i made it 1/2 an hour...
thinking about the upcoming party, i spent the remainder of that night and the morning trying to psych myself up for it. it's a private party w/ models - how could i not be excited about this? then i realized, "i need to get myself 'psyched' at the thought of partying w/ models... what the fuck?"
i texted my buddy and told him i was going to pass... he called me asking wtf i was talking about. i could hear at first that he thought i was joking. "dude - it's a fucking model party! there are no rainchecks, there is no 'next time', wtf is wrong w/ you?!?!" (roughly paraphrased)
then there it was - the disappointment in his voice... "you sure, man?"
generally, i try to avoid expecting much in people, that's a surefire way to find disappointment. i keep expecting things in myself and sure enough, i end up disappointed. i've done things that have left others disappointed in me. now, the trend continues.... i disappoint others but try to keep from being disappointed by the actions of other people.
snowflake disappoints me. i've realized that our 'friendship' is very one sided. i cling to hope for something that will never happen. we last hung out in june. the last time we had one of our long, amazing conversations (the ones that made me break my no coworkers rule, my no one under 25 rule, and even the (age ÷ 2) +7 rule) was back in february of 2009. pretty fucking close to 2 goddamned years ago. still, she asks for things / favors. stupidly i keep doing them, expecting to feel my fondness and affections returned.
last night, i left that club with some serious questions about my self-worth. i was feeling like my ego was thoroughly crushed. then i started thinking about her and the fact that i need to write her out of my life. how bad she makes me feel... how disappointed i am in the way things turned out.
again --- the current theme: disappointment.
disappointment comes in all shapes & sizes. presently, i'm disappointed about my current employment status, my financial reality, my romantic life, the path of my life & a sundry array of other things.
i disappointed a friend on friday. earlier in the week he invited me to a party. when i saw him thursday night he gave me the details: starting btwn 2300-0000, held at a private members-only nightclub, bottle service, and a couple dozen models. yeah, runway models. sounds pretty sweet, yes?
fast forward a couple of hours, he and i end up at a club (next door to where this party's going to be happening) so he can meet up w/ this girl he knows. instantly, i'm out of my element. i don't get it --- i like house / dance / techno music... i like club girls, the fun clothes they wear, their dance moves, the fact that they're enjoying themselves --- but i fucking hate clubs. the over priced drinks, the meat market mentality, the crush of bodies (i don't do so well w/ being touched by strangers). i don't think i made it 1/2 an hour...
thinking about the upcoming party, i spent the remainder of that night and the morning trying to psych myself up for it. it's a private party w/ models - how could i not be excited about this? then i realized, "i need to get myself 'psyched' at the thought of partying w/ models... what the fuck?"
i texted my buddy and told him i was going to pass... he called me asking wtf i was talking about. i could hear at first that he thought i was joking. "dude - it's a fucking model party! there are no rainchecks, there is no 'next time', wtf is wrong w/ you?!?!" (roughly paraphrased)
then there it was - the disappointment in his voice... "you sure, man?"
**********************
generally, i try to avoid expecting much in people, that's a surefire way to find disappointment. i keep expecting things in myself and sure enough, i end up disappointed. i've done things that have left others disappointed in me. now, the trend continues.... i disappoint others but try to keep from being disappointed by the actions of other people.
snowflake disappoints me. i've realized that our 'friendship' is very one sided. i cling to hope for something that will never happen. we last hung out in june. the last time we had one of our long, amazing conversations (the ones that made me break my no coworkers rule, my no one under 25 rule, and even the (age ÷ 2) +7 rule) was back in february of 2009. pretty fucking close to 2 goddamned years ago. still, she asks for things / favors. stupidly i keep doing them, expecting to feel my fondness and affections returned.
last night, i left that club with some serious questions about my self-worth. i was feeling like my ego was thoroughly crushed. then i started thinking about her and the fact that i need to write her out of my life. how bad she makes me feel... how disappointed i am in the way things turned out.
again --- the current theme: disappointment.
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