no title - post 43

it's entirely too early in the morning for me to be awake (esp. considering i've been up since yesterday morning) and yet, here i am...

currently, i'm blasting The End of Heartache by Killswitch Engage through the laptop and loving rocking out to this tune.

i took snowflake to the airport today - picked her up @ 0530, which in large part explains my lack of sleep today. i know this seems like "doing something nice for her", but i'm hoping this is more like the last time i saw athena. i drove her to the airport in dayton, gave her a hug, watched her walk away and haven't seen her since - nearly 4yrs ago.... i want snowflake out of my fucking life, but i don't know how to write someone out of it like that. i need some ideas, some advice... tips and tactics.

anberlin's Feel Good Drag is next up - again, another rockin' tune.

a new job would be most helpful in writing her out - seeing her every single day isn't helping me. i know why i'm so attached to her. it all goes back to athena. athena flat out told me that if me & #1 weren't together, her and i would be. on a few occasions when i was talking to her about how unhappy i was, she even tried talking me into leaving #1 saying that everything would work out. i was too afraid to make that leap and do what was necessary to be w/ her. for nearly 5yrs i've regretted that.

despite everything going on in our lives @ the time, when snowflake gave me the opportunity to be w/ her, i pounced on it - terrified that if i didn't, it would be everything that happened w/ athena all over again.

i feel like i'm perched on the edge of a crossroad - i'm trying to get back into working out. i've changed my look, i'm trying to forget about her (snowflake), working on finding the new job that i hope will bring some semblance of satisfaction to my life - and yet, while i walk that edge, i feel so many forces pushing me over it to the wrong side...