of course tonight's title is a spoof on deadmau5's "random album title" featuring the hit single I Remember (in conjunction w/ Kaskade).
i'm not fully sure where to start, i went out w/ the phd student again tonight. we had dessert, went to dinner then decided to go see a movie. (girl w/ the dragon tattoo is a bad date movie - at least for early on, kind of buzz killinton-esque)
i'm not sure what i'm feeling for this one. we didn't end up in bed. but, in looking at the 4 chix i've "dated" this year - 2nd date has either been "there's nothing & done" or we end up in bed together (as i said in the preceding post).
we haven't even kissed... that strikes me as a bad sign, especially given, well... by the time we wake up the morning after the 2nd date, i prefer to have eaten a healthy bit of beaver.
it looks like we're going to try to get together again before mid-week. we'll see what we see, i suppose - but there's going to need to be something physical so i have something to work with.
31 December 2011
29 December 2011
too tired to creatively come up with a fucking title - post 62
so, a^4 hasn't spoken to me or replied to any attempts to contact her since our weird little hookup last friday. i may be prevented from trying to fight for this (as i vowed to do in post 60).
now what? i've felt slightly less guilty about chatting with the ph.d. pursuing young lass. we traded a few msgs on xmas day, nothing too serious, just a bit of banter and again today (weds). i suggested we get together when she gets into town, a week long trip visiting family back home often evokes a strong desire for alcohol in me, anyhow. she replied that her flight won't be landing until 2300, so she'll get a hold of me during the day and we'll plan something out for friday, since saturday's NYE and we both have plans.
most of my friends that i've been keeping in the loop with respect to the women i'm pursuing have bluntly stated that they're pulling for this one. she's well read, a talented writer (based on a limited sample including her online dating profile) and is pretty interesting.
she seems to be a nice young woman (27. i'm moving closer to the right direction) and i'm looking forward to hanging out with her again and seeing if there's anything there btwn us. i guess if we do something friday, it'll be our 2nd date... maybe i should try to make sure we don't end up in bed together (princess and a^4 both ended up in bed together messing around - but not having sex) since that seems to be some sort of kiss of death in my last two attempts at "relationships". or maybe it's that both of those two are insanely emotionally unavailable? it's probably one of those two things and nothing more.
nevermore!
^ just a transition.
i have a few job leads and a couple of my peeps calling in some favors. seriously hoping that something's going to pop really soon. if nothing else, i just need somewhere to go during the day and i REALLY do not want to end up driving truck OTR yet again....
now what? i've felt slightly less guilty about chatting with the ph.d. pursuing young lass. we traded a few msgs on xmas day, nothing too serious, just a bit of banter and again today (weds). i suggested we get together when she gets into town, a week long trip visiting family back home often evokes a strong desire for alcohol in me, anyhow. she replied that her flight won't be landing until 2300, so she'll get a hold of me during the day and we'll plan something out for friday, since saturday's NYE and we both have plans.
most of my friends that i've been keeping in the loop with respect to the women i'm pursuing have bluntly stated that they're pulling for this one. she's well read, a talented writer (based on a limited sample including her online dating profile) and is pretty interesting.
she seems to be a nice young woman (27. i'm moving closer to the right direction) and i'm looking forward to hanging out with her again and seeing if there's anything there btwn us. i guess if we do something friday, it'll be our 2nd date... maybe i should try to make sure we don't end up in bed together (princess and a^4 both ended up in bed together messing around - but not having sex) since that seems to be some sort of kiss of death in my last two attempts at "relationships". or maybe it's that both of those two are insanely emotionally unavailable? it's probably one of those two things and nothing more.
nevermore!
^ just a transition.
i have a few job leads and a couple of my peeps calling in some favors. seriously hoping that something's going to pop really soon. if nothing else, i just need somewhere to go during the day and i REALLY do not want to end up driving truck OTR yet again....
25 December 2011
fuck fuck fuck not again, fuckity fuck - post 61
*sigh*
i've been thinking and replaying thursday night (super early friday morning) in my mind over again, b/c something has been... well. okay...
so, sunday night, we were at the restaurant and i started realizing that a few of her facial features, some of the things she says and some mannerisms struck me as reminiscent of snowflake. and that was mildly unsettling.
so, friday morning, we're flipping through some playlists to find something to listen to and she laid down on the bed, eyes closed, singing, dancing around... i moved her to somewhere more comfortable and she kind of "growl/meowed". that weird little verbal tick (which was repeated a few times that night) and the way she looked, smiling, singing, laying there... she's yet another athena. yet again, i'm subconsciously drawn to my goddess, wherever i can find her - even if i don't initially see it & it takes me a while to realize it.
it's not the only reason i'm drawn to her. it's not even in the top 10. but it certainly is an unsettling, disconcerting realization.
i've been thinking and replaying thursday night (super early friday morning) in my mind over again, b/c something has been... well. okay...
so, sunday night, we were at the restaurant and i started realizing that a few of her facial features, some of the things she says and some mannerisms struck me as reminiscent of snowflake. and that was mildly unsettling.
so, friday morning, we're flipping through some playlists to find something to listen to and she laid down on the bed, eyes closed, singing, dancing around... i moved her to somewhere more comfortable and she kind of "growl/meowed". that weird little verbal tick (which was repeated a few times that night) and the way she looked, smiling, singing, laying there... she's yet another athena. yet again, i'm subconsciously drawn to my goddess, wherever i can find her - even if i don't initially see it & it takes me a while to realize it.
it's not the only reason i'm drawn to her. it's not even in the top 10. but it certainly is an unsettling, disconcerting realization.
23 December 2011
awkward, adorbs & amazing! - post 60
i shit-canned the initial intertube dating site i was using, having met with incredibly shitty luck. and that brought me to a new site. a site where girls reply to your awkward emails. thanks, cool chick carol!
starting things off, i was having an okay start to a conversation w/ this chick - getting my legs back, so to speak - until she asks "i see you don't want kids. any reason for that? you ever been married?" in her 2nd reply. way to go for the jugular, sweetie.
next up, was this cute little artsy munchkin. we went on a date for tea and it, well... it went. she wasn't really into it, i suppose. i tried to follow up w/ her, just to be sure ~ but before my self-esteem could actually take a hit: SUDDENLY, an awkward, adorbs & amazing artsy girl shows up and starts chatting with me. and a ph.d. student. and this total hipster chick.
A^4 and i went on a date last saturday (17 dec 11). low key dive for a couple of drinks. out for dinner afterwards. during dinner, we made plans to get together on tuesday to do something after agreeing that we were both having one of our best 1st dates, quite possibly, ever. made out for a while when i dropped her off at her car. she messaged me the next day (sunday) and i told her i had plans through most of the day, but if she wanted to get together at 10p, we could have a late dinner. we did that and stayed there chatting until they threw us out when they closed at 2a. i walked her to her car and we kept chatting, kissed a little, then agreed to head over to her place...
i'm really into this chick. she's so much fun and we both totally dig each other. however, as with virtually every other chick i've been with, she's emotionally unavailable as a result of her past. she called me at 0130 this morning and i went over thinking that we were just going to have an epic time. granted, we messed around a little bit - but we spent more time having a pretty serious buzz-killington worthy conversation about how she doesn't know how to have a "normal" relationship and she keeps everyone at arm's length.
...that she knows she's just going to hurt me and can't give me the kind of relationship i'm looking for.
for the 2nd time this week, we fell asleep cuddled close and tightly against each other. the feel of our limbs and bodies laced together is pretty amazing, especially since princess wouldn't cuddle at night (one of her many anti-intimacy defenses).
this time, i cried a little. not b/c of what she said, but b/c what she said means that she probably won't give us a legitimate chance and more than likely, i'll get hurt, yet again.
i finally met the kind of girl that i've been fantasizing about for years: weird, artsy, gamer, nerdy, reader, passionate, intelligent, awkward ~ and now this.
but, i like her and see real potential in her. i'm not going to take this laying down! i've been trying to think of nice things to do for her, help her out, talk to her and keep her engaged in the idea of a potential "us". like i says, i'm not giving this one up without a fight.
starting things off, i was having an okay start to a conversation w/ this chick - getting my legs back, so to speak - until she asks "i see you don't want kids. any reason for that? you ever been married?" in her 2nd reply. way to go for the jugular, sweetie.
next up, was this cute little artsy munchkin. we went on a date for tea and it, well... it went. she wasn't really into it, i suppose. i tried to follow up w/ her, just to be sure ~ but before my self-esteem could actually take a hit: SUDDENLY, an awkward, adorbs & amazing artsy girl shows up and starts chatting with me. and a ph.d. student. and this total hipster chick.
A^4 and i went on a date last saturday (17 dec 11). low key dive for a couple of drinks. out for dinner afterwards. during dinner, we made plans to get together on tuesday to do something after agreeing that we were both having one of our best 1st dates, quite possibly, ever. made out for a while when i dropped her off at her car. she messaged me the next day (sunday) and i told her i had plans through most of the day, but if she wanted to get together at 10p, we could have a late dinner. we did that and stayed there chatting until they threw us out when they closed at 2a. i walked her to her car and we kept chatting, kissed a little, then agreed to head over to her place...
i'm really into this chick. she's so much fun and we both totally dig each other. however, as with virtually every other chick i've been with, she's emotionally unavailable as a result of her past. she called me at 0130 this morning and i went over thinking that we were just going to have an epic time. granted, we messed around a little bit - but we spent more time having a pretty serious buzz-killington worthy conversation about how she doesn't know how to have a "normal" relationship and she keeps everyone at arm's length.
...that she knows she's just going to hurt me and can't give me the kind of relationship i'm looking for.
for the 2nd time this week, we fell asleep cuddled close and tightly against each other. the feel of our limbs and bodies laced together is pretty amazing, especially since princess wouldn't cuddle at night (one of her many anti-intimacy defenses).
this time, i cried a little. not b/c of what she said, but b/c what she said means that she probably won't give us a legitimate chance and more than likely, i'll get hurt, yet again.
i finally met the kind of girl that i've been fantasizing about for years: weird, artsy, gamer, nerdy, reader, passionate, intelligent, awkward ~ and now this.
but, i like her and see real potential in her. i'm not going to take this laying down! i've been trying to think of nice things to do for her, help her out, talk to her and keep her engaged in the idea of a potential "us". like i says, i'm not giving this one up without a fight.
29 November 2011
prompted - post 59
from wordpress's post-a-day:
i talk about it pretty frequently, but i don't ever have it (these days, anyhow).
why is it on my mind? idk, because it feels good. because i miss it. because i'm interested in having it?
why does it never happen? well, there's a couple of reasons. first - i repel women. it's not intentional, i'm just uninteresting and unattractive. second - i'm apparently one of maybe seven men in the entire world that are incapable of divorcing sex and emotion. i can't pull off the whole "meaningless sex" thing. and this goes back to the first issue, if i'm not seriously dating someone, i can't have sex with them, since i'm not seriously dating someone, i don't have sex. ergo, it doesn't happen.
dear wordpress post-a-day: thanks for the kick while down. it felt really nice. do you think i can have one more?
Topic #322:well - this is an easy one, one with a one-word answer: sex.
What is something you always talk about, but never do? Why is it often on your mind? Why does it never happen?
i talk about it pretty frequently, but i don't ever have it (these days, anyhow).
why is it on my mind? idk, because it feels good. because i miss it. because i'm interested in having it?
why does it never happen? well, there's a couple of reasons. first - i repel women. it's not intentional, i'm just uninteresting and unattractive. second - i'm apparently one of maybe seven men in the entire world that are incapable of divorcing sex and emotion. i can't pull off the whole "meaningless sex" thing. and this goes back to the first issue, if i'm not seriously dating someone, i can't have sex with them, since i'm not seriously dating someone, i don't have sex. ergo, it doesn't happen.
dear wordpress post-a-day: thanks for the kick while down. it felt really nice. do you think i can have one more?
17 October 2011
someday - post 58
i'm not sure how to tell you this, and i only hope that someday, these words will find you...
princess:
i don't want to hurt you. and i cannot apologize enough for everything i've done that has hurt you.
i don't want to play games with you.
i adore you for the bright, driven, passionate woman you are.
i want to be there for you when things are rough. to comfort and hold you when that's what you need.
we both know that i don't deserve you and that you're a far better person than me - but i will never give up hope that we can make this work.
i miss you more than you know.
all i want is the opportunity to make you happy & to fall in love with you.
~me
that's all i've got....
princess:
i don't want to hurt you. and i cannot apologize enough for everything i've done that has hurt you.
i don't want to play games with you.
i adore you for the bright, driven, passionate woman you are.
i want to be there for you when things are rough. to comfort and hold you when that's what you need.
we both know that i don't deserve you and that you're a far better person than me - but i will never give up hope that we can make this work.
i miss you more than you know.
all i want is the opportunity to make you happy & to fall in love with you.
~me
that's all i've got....
14 October 2011
my type 2.0 - post 57
by way of follow up to post 46 - i *MAY* actually have a type...
i've been watching Felicity on netflix streaming (don't judge) and really remembered this thing i had for amanda foreman's character "Meghan" throughout the course of that show. today, i saw the new Evanescense video for What You Want - and remembered the little thing i have for amy lee. looking at pictures of athena and snowflake... yeah, there's some commonalities and similarities among all of them.
yes, i still find all of that fairly attractive (for the most part). but the truth of the matter is: my little princess is, of course, who i want to be with and, let's face it - is the most beautiful woman i'll ever be with. while i need to appreciate my type, it's important for me to move more towards the petite, athletic, gorgeous little princess type....
i've been watching Felicity on netflix streaming (don't judge) and really remembered this thing i had for amanda foreman's character "Meghan" throughout the course of that show. today, i saw the new Evanescense video for What You Want - and remembered the little thing i have for amy lee. looking at pictures of athena and snowflake... yeah, there's some commonalities and similarities among all of them.
yes, i still find all of that fairly attractive (for the most part). but the truth of the matter is: my little princess is, of course, who i want to be with and, let's face it - is the most beautiful woman i'll ever be with. while i need to appreciate my type, it's important for me to move more towards the petite, athletic, gorgeous little princess type....
10 October 2011
cute title about - post 56
it's been nearly a month. what's there to say? that intertube dating thing hasn't really panned out. i've messaged 1 girl in the past 2wks or so... BUT - the more important thing is that princess and i have been talking again for the past 2wks or so (yeah - i JUST saw that too... suddenly my inactivity on the online site makes more sense to me) and we've been having some really nice conversations, very similar to when we were seeing each other.
i messaged her about 2wks ago to ask her about something at her grad school & she actually replied pretty quickly and started chatting easily... so, we talked. and in a bit of a lull, she asked me: "do you still think about me?" of course i do... and of course i told her as much. then she told me that things have been kind of rough & she's really missing me (not that she hasn't before, but *this* was just a really strong kind of feeling).
and since then, we've been talking every couple of days (occasionally, briefly on back to back days). so today, she messaged me to tell me that she found the answer to my question - when the event is occurring - and i asked her if she'd let me take her. she said "we can do that", so... if not sooner, i'll get to see my beautiful, amazing little princess in about a month.
since her and i have this ridiculous total honesty clause in our relationship, i told her about my forays into intertube dating... she said it's completely okay and she wants me to date other girls and see what's out there. but, i don't. the constant rejection of no replies is kind of grating on me. plus, i'm just not meeting anyone and thinking "ZOMFG - I WANT HER" (see last post for this discussion).
so, with that said: at this point, it's kind of "princess, or nothing". and i'm not 100% comfortable w/ "nothing"
i messaged her about 2wks ago to ask her about something at her grad school & she actually replied pretty quickly and started chatting easily... so, we talked. and in a bit of a lull, she asked me: "do you still think about me?" of course i do... and of course i told her as much. then she told me that things have been kind of rough & she's really missing me (not that she hasn't before, but *this* was just a really strong kind of feeling).
and since then, we've been talking every couple of days (occasionally, briefly on back to back days). so today, she messaged me to tell me that she found the answer to my question - when the event is occurring - and i asked her if she'd let me take her. she said "we can do that", so... if not sooner, i'll get to see my beautiful, amazing little princess in about a month.
since her and i have this ridiculous total honesty clause in our relationship, i told her about my forays into intertube dating... she said it's completely okay and she wants me to date other girls and see what's out there. but, i don't. the constant rejection of no replies is kind of grating on me. plus, i'm just not meeting anyone and thinking "ZOMFG - I WANT HER" (see last post for this discussion).
so, with that said: at this point, it's kind of "princess, or nothing". and i'm not 100% comfortable w/ "nothing"
15 September 2011
damned (intertube) dating - post 55
i think i've been on this site for about a month or so and in that time, i've only had about 5 lasses respond to any of my emails. 3 of them were just being nice and shutting down any further conversation...
one initiated contact with me & we ended up going on a couple of dates. she's actually older than me (which was a first for me) and roughly 12yrs older than my princess - so that's a little unsettling for me.
we met up for drinks on sunday night. it wasn't too bad - we spent like 3hrs just kicking back and chatting. i'd say it was a fairly decent conversation, but i just wasn't feeling any real connection or spark - every other girl i've dated, there's been that "ZOMFG - I WANT YOU" feeling. now granted, one commonality amongst every girl i've dated is that i'm no longer dating any of them, so that may not be the best litmus test to use... i figured i'd give things another shot, so i invited her to the crew match this past weekend - again, we chatted through most of it & the conversation was enjoyable, but i just wasn't feeling anything, even with her leaning into me and brushing against me while we talked. in the car while dropping her off, i feel like she might have been expecting to try for a kiss goodnight, but i was pretty closed off.
i don't know... i want to be with someone (i think). i do want my princess. but i'm open to dating another attractive, intelligent, athletic & interesting lass. now, where to find one of those that's also a little crazy and likes older guys?
one initiated contact with me & we ended up going on a couple of dates. she's actually older than me (which was a first for me) and roughly 12yrs older than my princess - so that's a little unsettling for me.
we met up for drinks on sunday night. it wasn't too bad - we spent like 3hrs just kicking back and chatting. i'd say it was a fairly decent conversation, but i just wasn't feeling any real connection or spark - every other girl i've dated, there's been that "ZOMFG - I WANT YOU" feeling. now granted, one commonality amongst every girl i've dated is that i'm no longer dating any of them, so that may not be the best litmus test to use... i figured i'd give things another shot, so i invited her to the crew match this past weekend - again, we chatted through most of it & the conversation was enjoyable, but i just wasn't feeling anything, even with her leaning into me and brushing against me while we talked. in the car while dropping her off, i feel like she might have been expecting to try for a kiss goodnight, but i was pretty closed off.
i don't know... i want to be with someone (i think). i do want my princess. but i'm open to dating another attractive, intelligent, athletic & interesting lass. now, where to find one of those that's also a little crazy and likes older guys?
19 August 2011
fuck.me. - post 54
listening to a bit of Ke$ha's Take It Off and watching My Boys
of the women i've dated, i've told 2 that i love them. at present, both of them are pissed at me / hate me to some degree as a result of ---- my relationship with the other one. fan.fucking.tastic.
i still love my princess. she's in town for a few days & i offered to buy her a drink. but she apparently "doesn't have the time" and is still upset with me.... i have no idea what i can do to mend the fences between us.
i'm trying out some intertube dating site. apparently 1:3 messages are not replied to. i'm working on a 10.5:11 (the .5 is from the girl who replied a couple of times then just stopped) not responded to ratio. chix are, apparently, not very into me. this is clearly suboptimal.
of the women i've dated, i've told 2 that i love them. at present, both of them are pissed at me / hate me to some degree as a result of ---- my relationship with the other one. fan.fucking.tastic.
i still love my princess. she's in town for a few days & i offered to buy her a drink. but she apparently "doesn't have the time" and is still upset with me.... i have no idea what i can do to mend the fences between us.
i'm trying out some intertube dating site. apparently 1:3 messages are not replied to. i'm working on a 10.5:11 (the .5 is from the girl who replied a couple of times then just stopped) not responded to ratio. chix are, apparently, not very into me. this is clearly suboptimal.
07 August 2011
for lack of a better name - post 53
listening to some Deadmau5 - Moar Ghosts & Stuff
i've been laying around all day trying to completely turn off the way that my amazing little princess taught me. most of today's been spent on the couch watching 3 discs of Planet Earth (the BBC version narrated by Sir David Attenborough), finishing a book i've been reading for the past week or so and making a solid dent into Deadline (book 2 of newsflesh by Mira Grant) and i meandered out to Caribou to enjoy some chocolaty beverages and sit in a comfy leather chair while reading and taking in a little change in scenery.
i miss my princess... she's moved away for grad school, as i knew she was going to be. our nights of sitting around chatting at the bar over a few drinks, weekends spent cuddling on the couch or cooking for her, her soft kisses ~ all things i don't know how i'm managing to get by without.
just before she left, i told her that i love her. she freaked out a bit at that. i figured she would, but i still had to tell her. i love her and don't want to be with out her.... we've chatted a few times since she left, but i wish she were closer and was available for cuddles.
there's a girl in the class i'm taking over summer. the 1st class, i looked at her at least 1/2 dozen times b/c how she had a remarkable similarity in appearance to my princess other than the fact that she was blonde and had so much gorgeous ink. we chatted a couple of times. last week i asked her if we could get a drink... she initially said sure & asked where. i suggested st. james, since i'd been hanging out there pretty regularly. i gave her my card & number. a few hours later, she emailed me and said that she had a b/f. what the fuck?? it could've been hot and kinda fun - but i would have thought of my princess pretty regularly. maybe it's better that it didn't work out.
princess: i miss you & i love you.
i've been laying around all day trying to completely turn off the way that my amazing little princess taught me. most of today's been spent on the couch watching 3 discs of Planet Earth (the BBC version narrated by Sir David Attenborough), finishing a book i've been reading for the past week or so and making a solid dent into Deadline (book 2 of newsflesh by Mira Grant) and i meandered out to Caribou to enjoy some chocolaty beverages and sit in a comfy leather chair while reading and taking in a little change in scenery.
i miss my princess... she's moved away for grad school, as i knew she was going to be. our nights of sitting around chatting at the bar over a few drinks, weekends spent cuddling on the couch or cooking for her, her soft kisses ~ all things i don't know how i'm managing to get by without.
just before she left, i told her that i love her. she freaked out a bit at that. i figured she would, but i still had to tell her. i love her and don't want to be with out her.... we've chatted a few times since she left, but i wish she were closer and was available for cuddles.
there's a girl in the class i'm taking over summer. the 1st class, i looked at her at least 1/2 dozen times b/c how she had a remarkable similarity in appearance to my princess other than the fact that she was blonde and had so much gorgeous ink. we chatted a couple of times. last week i asked her if we could get a drink... she initially said sure & asked where. i suggested st. james, since i'd been hanging out there pretty regularly. i gave her my card & number. a few hours later, she emailed me and said that she had a b/f. what the fuck?? it could've been hot and kinda fun - but i would have thought of my princess pretty regularly. maybe it's better that it didn't work out.
princess: i miss you & i love you.
12 July 2011
i miss... - post 52
...her. my goddess. my princess. my best friend.
now if only they were all the same person & not 3 different women and one hypothetical woman.
now if only they were all the same person & not 3 different women and one hypothetical woman.
18 June 2011
truly madly deeply - post 51
i really like cascada's version of the song alluded to in the title...
anyhow - it's been more than a month and a half that i've been seeing the amazing & beautiful young lass in the preceding posts. it's been a lot of fun. a picnic @ schiller park, crew match, lots of dinners & nights out having some drinks. i've had her over & cooked for her the majority of sundays that she's been in town. we spent an entire sunday doing nothing at all other than laying on the couch watching movies, cooking / eating & taking naps ~ ALL.DAY.LONG! it was pretty epic.
since it's been going so well i'm pretty certain that i'm not looking forward to her moving away in about 1month. it's been a great time though & i don't regret falling for her despite knowing that this is time-limited. i'd rather be all fucked up over someone i actually dated and fell for, who moved away than spend 5yrs all fucked up over someone i never had the stones to ask out who moved away (athena - in case you had to ask).
in other news, i have a full-time job w/ benefits and stuff. it's not glamorous, but it's a set schedule and i'm getting paid for it. we'll see how it goes.... need to pick up a boatload of OT though - not getting anything at either of the other jobs, i'm afraid.
anyhow - it's been more than a month and a half that i've been seeing the amazing & beautiful young lass in the preceding posts. it's been a lot of fun. a picnic @ schiller park, crew match, lots of dinners & nights out having some drinks. i've had her over & cooked for her the majority of sundays that she's been in town. we spent an entire sunday doing nothing at all other than laying on the couch watching movies, cooking / eating & taking naps ~ ALL.DAY.LONG! it was pretty epic.
since it's been going so well i'm pretty certain that i'm not looking forward to her moving away in about 1month. it's been a great time though & i don't regret falling for her despite knowing that this is time-limited. i'd rather be all fucked up over someone i actually dated and fell for, who moved away than spend 5yrs all fucked up over someone i never had the stones to ask out who moved away (athena - in case you had to ask).
in other news, i have a full-time job w/ benefits and stuff. it's not glamorous, but it's a set schedule and i'm getting paid for it. we'll see how it goes.... need to pick up a boatload of OT though - not getting anything at either of the other jobs, i'm afraid.
24 May 2011
VCL turns FIFTY! - post 50
well, my good feelings about at least one of the two jobs was misplaced... i'm still working an insane amount and not sleeping much (i'm also writing this @ 0415), though i had a rare weekend off with no travel, no commitments, nothing! it was quality.
the young woman i mentioned previously and i are still getting along pretty well and enjoying the time we're spending together... i wish i had met her earlier though, give us a little more time together. i'm pretty crazy about her and she still seems pretty into me. legit, i've not been this happy & relaxed with someone in a really long time. now if only i can avoid doing something stupid and keep myself from fucking it up - that would be awesome.
the young woman i mentioned previously and i are still getting along pretty well and enjoying the time we're spending together... i wish i had met her earlier though, give us a little more time together. i'm pretty crazy about her and she still seems pretty into me. legit, i've not been this happy & relaxed with someone in a really long time. now if only i can avoid doing something stupid and keep myself from fucking it up - that would be awesome.
06 May 2011
surprise! it's been a good week. - post 49
well, this is going to shock the shit out of you guys: it's been a pretty good week.
- i met a really awesome young woman, who actually likes hanging out w/ me
- sure, i worked a ton & have barely had any sleep - but i'm functioning pretty well
- i was paid from 2 jobs on the same day (today) which is good for the old bank account
- my ipad is shipping out
- i'm strangely confident on 2 jobs i've applied to
- i've been able to go out and relax w/ my friends (old and new) and enjoy a few adult beverages with them & excellent conversations
04 May 2011
maybe a new one? - post 48
i met this girl the other day. monday night, we were chatting online & well... i ended up inviting her out for drinks right then (at nearly midnight). we had a great conversation & she's really pretty awesome. today (tuesday), we spent the better part of 12hrs texting back and forth, chatting and what not. part of our conversation kind of lead to how i was doing a terrible job of the way guys are supposed to pick up chix - that i had to stop being so nice to her (she was being sarcastic, of course. she doesn't want me to treat her poorly.) to which i replied that i'd rather just tell her that i'm interested in her and that we should spend some more time together & go out again.
she's really a sweet girl. bright. amazing conversationalist. sarcastic. fun to chat with and really enjoyable to hang out with over a couple of drinks.
i like her. :-)
she's really a sweet girl. bright. amazing conversationalist. sarcastic. fun to chat with and really enjoyable to hang out with over a couple of drinks.
i like her. :-)
30 March 2011
spiteful - post 47
i think i'm becoming spiteful in my old age. all i've been able to think about today has been how baller it would be to be at that bar this thursday & see that cute little frizzy haired girl and pick her up while snowflake is there and leave w/ frizzy right in front of her while she's getting all pissed off about it.
i want to hate that little fucking whore but i can't, so i guess that rubbing her face in something like this would be the best and most satisfying thing i could do. i'd love to please a beautiful young girl while snowflake is alone crying in the bar and left to go home and fingerfuck herself or get fucked by one of her meaningless one night stands because she's incapable of having a mature, adult relationship...
am i evil? yes i am. am i evil? i am man, yes i am!
i want to hate that little fucking whore but i can't, so i guess that rubbing her face in something like this would be the best and most satisfying thing i could do. i'd love to please a beautiful young girl while snowflake is alone crying in the bar and left to go home and fingerfuck herself or get fucked by one of her meaningless one night stands because she's incapable of having a mature, adult relationship...
am i evil? yes i am. am i evil? i am man, yes i am!
27 March 2011
my type - post 46
i've been thinking about my "type" and as best i can tell, i don't have one. but if i did, "available" would not be on their list of traits...
it seems like every girl i'm interested in is either in a relationship or "unavailable" - emotionally or otherwise. i can't seem to get away from it... while at work the other day, i saw this really cute girl & i kept seeing her all day. occasionally, i'd stop and bullshit w/ her for a minute. she seemed nice. beautiful as well. gorgeous little face, soft looking lips, silken dark brown hair. an amazingly spectacular ass, perfectly curved - i would've loved to feel it under my hands while holding her chest to chest.
so, i stopped next to her and said something like "hey, i've seen you more than anyone else this weekend, and.. i feel like a dick b/c i've never even introduced myself" we traded names & i suggested that she come out to a little event i put on each month. well, that lead to the classic "oh, i have a finaceé"
i guess all the pretty ones are either taken or batshitcrazy.
after my little event, i met a buddy who goes out for karaoke most thursdays (who's been hounding me for a while to join him) and while getting a drink, this cute little curly haired blonde girl starts chatting me up. i talked to her for a minute or two and went back to the table w/ my buddy. after a little while, i tried to introduce him to her (and i'm clearly fuck awful as a wingman). unfortunately, she wasn't having any of that.
in retrospect, i probably should have chatted w/ her a bit longer for myself. but i just kind of assumed she was really young and wasn't really interested - was just passing some time while sitting alone at the bar - (though i was looking damn good, all dolled up in a sexily cut suit).
maybe i'll see her again, i can buy her a drink to apologize for trying to set her up w/ my buddy when she wasn't into it, then properly introduce myself and maybe take a shot in the dark. she's at least a college girl. she may even be interested in me going down on her. i've been craving some sweet pussy for a while now and really just want to enjoy the taste on the flat of my tongue and please someone again.
we'll see. perhaps.
it seems like every girl i'm interested in is either in a relationship or "unavailable" - emotionally or otherwise. i can't seem to get away from it... while at work the other day, i saw this really cute girl & i kept seeing her all day. occasionally, i'd stop and bullshit w/ her for a minute. she seemed nice. beautiful as well. gorgeous little face, soft looking lips, silken dark brown hair. an amazingly spectacular ass, perfectly curved - i would've loved to feel it under my hands while holding her chest to chest.
so, i stopped next to her and said something like "hey, i've seen you more than anyone else this weekend, and.. i feel like a dick b/c i've never even introduced myself" we traded names & i suggested that she come out to a little event i put on each month. well, that lead to the classic "oh, i have a finaceé"
i guess all the pretty ones are either taken or batshitcrazy.
after my little event, i met a buddy who goes out for karaoke most thursdays (who's been hounding me for a while to join him) and while getting a drink, this cute little curly haired blonde girl starts chatting me up. i talked to her for a minute or two and went back to the table w/ my buddy. after a little while, i tried to introduce him to her (and i'm clearly fuck awful as a wingman). unfortunately, she wasn't having any of that.
in retrospect, i probably should have chatted w/ her a bit longer for myself. but i just kind of assumed she was really young and wasn't really interested - was just passing some time while sitting alone at the bar - (though i was looking damn good, all dolled up in a sexily cut suit).
maybe i'll see her again, i can buy her a drink to apologize for trying to set her up w/ my buddy when she wasn't into it, then properly introduce myself and maybe take a shot in the dark. she's at least a college girl. she may even be interested in me going down on her. i've been craving some sweet pussy for a while now and really just want to enjoy the taste on the flat of my tongue and please someone again.
we'll see. perhaps.
12 March 2011
why i feel how i feel about what i feel - post 45
today, i found myself thinking and realized that for nearly a month now my efforts to drive snowflake from my mind have been blown clear to fucking shit. shortly before 18 Feb 2011, i found myself feeling all nostalgic for her (we went on our 1st date 18 Feb 2009). i talked to her (willingly) for the 1st time in nearly 2mos & i haven't been able to stop. we started hugging each other again. the other night while on a break at work, we were sitting close to each other and i kind of absently started rubbing her back and leg. i was trying to psych myself up to ask her on a date, but then recalled plans i had around the event i was going to invite her to.
and with this backdrop, let's delve right to the heart of the matter: i don't understand how i develop the feelings i have towards people. i understand the theoretical psycho-biological processes that are taking place, but i can't understand how i can't come to grips and figure out why i feel the way i do about some of the people i do.
i love athena. other than #1, she's the only woman i've ever loved. snowflake? i have this uncontrollable attraction to her & desire to be with her - i miss her soft, sweet, little kisses so fucking much. only athena's were better.... #1? my feelings are all over the place when it comes to her.
there's a couple of others that i'm not even going to touch on. but, more to the point - why do i love athena? we've not spoken in years, yet i'd still never say "no" to her. snowflake drives me fucking insane, but when i see her, i just want to hold her (and i have not a damn clue why). #1 wants nothing more than for us to be 'happily ever after' but i'm too on the fence about it. i like seeing her sometimes, but always seem to be actively pushing her away, despite the fact that i'm not actively thinking that's what i should / want to do.
there's a part of me that just kind of accepts the way that i feel about certain people without wanting to understand or question those feelings. i don't know why i feel how i do or what it is that makes me feel that way - i've just accepted it.... i can't provide reasons or explanations, so don't ask me to --- they don't ever seem to make sense to anyone outside of my head (and even in there, shit's questionable).
and with this backdrop, let's delve right to the heart of the matter: i don't understand how i develop the feelings i have towards people. i understand the theoretical psycho-biological processes that are taking place, but i can't understand how i can't come to grips and figure out why i feel the way i do about some of the people i do.
i love athena. other than #1, she's the only woman i've ever loved. snowflake? i have this uncontrollable attraction to her & desire to be with her - i miss her soft, sweet, little kisses so fucking much. only athena's were better.... #1? my feelings are all over the place when it comes to her.
there's a couple of others that i'm not even going to touch on. but, more to the point - why do i love athena? we've not spoken in years, yet i'd still never say "no" to her. snowflake drives me fucking insane, but when i see her, i just want to hold her (and i have not a damn clue why). #1 wants nothing more than for us to be 'happily ever after' but i'm too on the fence about it. i like seeing her sometimes, but always seem to be actively pushing her away, despite the fact that i'm not actively thinking that's what i should / want to do.
there's a part of me that just kind of accepts the way that i feel about certain people without wanting to understand or question those feelings. i don't know why i feel how i do or what it is that makes me feel that way - i've just accepted it.... i can't provide reasons or explanations, so don't ask me to --- they don't ever seem to make sense to anyone outside of my head (and even in there, shit's questionable).
15 January 2011
hmmm - post 44
let's recap: NYE was a total shitshow... with this coming week, i'll be up to 4 jobs (yet none that are full time or offer benefits or are giving me consistent hours). i've recently stooped low enough to accept that megan fox is acceptable 'fodder' (it's been a while). still looking for a real job - back to the whole over educated & unemployable thing.
NYE: i went to a hockey game w/ a buddy and that was supposed to be it for my plans that night. well... a few peeps i play hockey w/ called & said they had a table @ a bar near the arena & that i should stop by. i ended up going for a drink - which turned into the entire night. 2 of my buddies got ripped (including the one i was driving for - i had to stop 3x btwn the bar and his place, roughly 2mi or so). one of my female friends (who apparently, i've not blogged about before... i'm going to go tarantino here: back in '09 over summer, we went out drinking after a really early hockey game and drank for about 10hrs or so. i ended up back @ her place and her and i were on her couch cuddling around a bit while her sorta b/f was upstairs sleeping) was there as well and during the night we ended up dancing a bit (read: her grinding on me) talking quite a bit and she was giving out hugs for the new year - i got a kiss as well. well... that wasn't the only time she kissed me that night & if her b/f wasn't on the other side of the table, it would've been a whole lot better & more interesting. one of her friends (who i know casually as well) was also there and apparently thought those kisses were looking good b/c she got in on the action & started kissing me throughout the night. her and i ended up making out @ the end of the night. yeah... interesting night.
job #4 will be yet another driving position: everything from sedans to full on OTR buses. tack this on to my "regular" job of driving transit style buses & my casual driving tractor-trailers and that's 3 jobs of driving big shit. clearly my master's degree is pretty helpful for that :-/
megan fox: yeah, i'm watching transformers right now and c'mon... she's kinda hot.
i'm applying to jobs pretty regularly and trying to ask all my friends when i talk to them if they have any intel on hiring / openings. so far, i haven't had any success, but i'm still trying to hammer away @ it.
i've been doing pretty well keeping snowflake out of my mind, when i think about her (which is becoming far less frequently) it's usually about how i don't like her. when i start to think her name, i consciously stop and change it to athena's name. there has been an unintended consequence though - i need to have a crush pretty consistently & since i can't think of wanting to hook up w/ snowflake, i needed to find a replacement. i've realized that i've found someone i'm attracted to...
NYE: i went to a hockey game w/ a buddy and that was supposed to be it for my plans that night. well... a few peeps i play hockey w/ called & said they had a table @ a bar near the arena & that i should stop by. i ended up going for a drink - which turned into the entire night. 2 of my buddies got ripped (including the one i was driving for - i had to stop 3x btwn the bar and his place, roughly 2mi or so). one of my female friends (who apparently, i've not blogged about before... i'm going to go tarantino here: back in '09 over summer, we went out drinking after a really early hockey game and drank for about 10hrs or so. i ended up back @ her place and her and i were on her couch cuddling around a bit while her sorta b/f was upstairs sleeping) was there as well and during the night we ended up dancing a bit (read: her grinding on me) talking quite a bit and she was giving out hugs for the new year - i got a kiss as well. well... that wasn't the only time she kissed me that night & if her b/f wasn't on the other side of the table, it would've been a whole lot better & more interesting. one of her friends (who i know casually as well) was also there and apparently thought those kisses were looking good b/c she got in on the action & started kissing me throughout the night. her and i ended up making out @ the end of the night. yeah... interesting night.
job #4 will be yet another driving position: everything from sedans to full on OTR buses. tack this on to my "regular" job of driving transit style buses & my casual driving tractor-trailers and that's 3 jobs of driving big shit. clearly my master's degree is pretty helpful for that :-/
megan fox: yeah, i'm watching transformers right now and c'mon... she's kinda hot.
i'm applying to jobs pretty regularly and trying to ask all my friends when i talk to them if they have any intel on hiring / openings. so far, i haven't had any success, but i'm still trying to hammer away @ it.
i've been doing pretty well keeping snowflake out of my mind, when i think about her (which is becoming far less frequently) it's usually about how i don't like her. when i start to think her name, i consciously stop and change it to athena's name. there has been an unintended consequence though - i need to have a crush pretty consistently & since i can't think of wanting to hook up w/ snowflake, i needed to find a replacement. i've realized that i've found someone i'm attracted to...
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