why i feel how i feel about what i feel - post 45

today, i found myself thinking and realized that for nearly a month now my efforts to drive snowflake from my mind have been blown clear to fucking shit. shortly before 18 Feb 2011, i found myself feeling all nostalgic for her (we went on our 1st date 18 Feb 2009). i talked to her (willingly) for the 1st time in nearly 2mos & i haven't been able to stop. we started hugging each other again. the other night while on a break at work, we were sitting close to each other and i kind of absently started rubbing her back and leg. i was trying to psych myself up to ask her on a date, but then recalled plans i had around the event i was going to invite her to.

and with this backdrop, let's delve right to the heart of the matter: i don't understand how i develop the feelings i have towards people. i understand the theoretical psycho-biological processes that are taking place, but i can't understand how i can't come to grips and figure out why i feel the way i do about some of the people i do.

i love athena. other than #1, she's the only woman i've ever loved. snowflake? i have this uncontrollable attraction to her & desire to be with her - i miss her soft, sweet, little kisses so fucking much. only athena's were better.... #1? my feelings are all over the place when it comes to her.

there's a couple of others that i'm not even going to touch on. but, more to the point - why do i love athena? we've not spoken in years, yet i'd still never say "no" to her. snowflake drives me fucking insane, but when i see her, i just want to hold her (and i have not a damn clue why). #1 wants nothing more than for us to be 'happily ever after' but i'm too on the fence about it. i like seeing her sometimes, but always seem to be actively pushing her away, despite the fact that i'm not actively thinking that's what i should / want to do.

there's a part of me that just kind of accepts the way that i feel about certain people without wanting to understand or question those feelings. i don't know why i feel how i do or what it is that makes me feel that way - i've just accepted it.... i can't provide reasons or explanations, so don't ask me to --- they don't ever seem to make sense to anyone outside of my head (and even in there, shit's questionable).