in about a month, i'll be living with a buddy of mine (& his fiance) because it seems as though nothing in my life is capable of working out. i need to go arrange for a storage place by the end of the week and start moving stuff in to it. boxing up my apartment and putting my personal living space on ice.
yesterday, i woke up and checked my email. there was a rejection letter from a local police department that i applied to for a community liaison position. of all the applications i've put in so far this year, this is the one that i had the most confidence that would work out. after sleeping through the majority of the night, reading that was such a blow to me that i fell asleep again and slept through nearly the entire day.
there's a CON in town this weekend. as much as i'd like to go, i don't think that it's going to happen. srsly, i can't justify dropping $75 for it. there's 2 amazing authors that are going to be there though... as much as i'd love to hear them talk, they're sci-fi / fantasy guys - idk if that would really be helpful for my writing pursuits.
i'm planning on having my etsy shop open by the end of the week (providing everything goes according to plan).
in other news - i still can't sleep worth a shit & really need to take up heavy drinking.
30 May 2012
26 May 2012
fully depressioned - post 98
a huge part of why i've barely been writing is due to my intense depression right now. i've been unemployed since november, munchkin has obviously friendzoned the ever-living shit out of me, i've messaged maybe 3 girls in the past 2.5mos, i can't seem to find anything of value i have to offer anyone, i have no money (legit, i can't afford to pay my rent this month) and i'm feeling completely alone and abandoned.
my sleep cycles are a constant mess because of the lack of structure in my life. i can't find the motivation to exercise. every time i search for and apply to jobs (not that i'm regularly finding ones related to my field or that will actually provide me with useful experience) i feel another part of me dying inside because i know the competition i'm against and the rejections of the past 31mos keep cutting closer and closer and hurting more and more. i'm a burden to my entire family who has been supporting me as my funds keep running out, but they can't keep it up much longer.
even my backup plans of working in a coffee shop or going back to driving truck have turned out to be failures. going back to school *could* be an option, but only if i can find a funded program and i can't apply for this year, so autumn 2013 would be the earliest i could get into a program.
i'm trying to keep active with groups and friends, but i'm failing at that. most days are a challenge to wake up, then when i do, i'm too tired / depressed to do anything. all this time is just an impetus to dwell on every failure in my life and it's leading to total paralysis that's keeping me from being able to do anything, since i'll just fail again - so why bother.
none of the applications i have in give me any hope. no one replies to any of my followup emails or calls. i'm out of time, money, options & hope. none of my knowledge, skills or abilities are desirable to any employer and i, myself, am not desirable to any potential partner.
i think i've figured out why i play RPGs like D&D - if your (character's) life completely sucks, you have the ability to re-roll. you can't re-roll (or log off from) your own life.
my sleep cycles are a constant mess because of the lack of structure in my life. i can't find the motivation to exercise. every time i search for and apply to jobs (not that i'm regularly finding ones related to my field or that will actually provide me with useful experience) i feel another part of me dying inside because i know the competition i'm against and the rejections of the past 31mos keep cutting closer and closer and hurting more and more. i'm a burden to my entire family who has been supporting me as my funds keep running out, but they can't keep it up much longer.
even my backup plans of working in a coffee shop or going back to driving truck have turned out to be failures. going back to school *could* be an option, but only if i can find a funded program and i can't apply for this year, so autumn 2013 would be the earliest i could get into a program.
i'm trying to keep active with groups and friends, but i'm failing at that. most days are a challenge to wake up, then when i do, i'm too tired / depressed to do anything. all this time is just an impetus to dwell on every failure in my life and it's leading to total paralysis that's keeping me from being able to do anything, since i'll just fail again - so why bother.
none of the applications i have in give me any hope. no one replies to any of my followup emails or calls. i'm out of time, money, options & hope. none of my knowledge, skills or abilities are desirable to any employer and i, myself, am not desirable to any potential partner.
i think i've figured out why i play RPGs like D&D - if your (character's) life completely sucks, you have the ability to re-roll. you can't re-roll (or log off from) your own life.
12 May 2012
it hurts - post 97
12 may 2011:
princess arrived back in town. i took her to the conservatory so we could have some drinks and walk around. she wore a long skirt and a form fitting top. we kissed a lot while we were there. my hands barely left contact with her taut, athletic little body.
we left to go to a champagne & dessert bar. a couple more drinks. getting closer. kissing. touching. i knew i wanted her. it was starting to become obvious that this was going to happen.
pulling into my parking lot. it was pre-agreed that she'd spend the night. she asked if she could before the night ever rolled around. i wasn't sure i could handle going straight upstairs with her. we walked across the road to the bar. had a last drink. we kept looking at each other. it was obvious what we both wanted.
walked back to the car. holding hands. fetched her bag and went upstairs. the door opened. it closed. the bag fell to the floor. i spun her to me. we kissed. kicked our shoes off. a step in the door. her shirt was off, followed by her bra. she stepped back another step towards the bedroom. i followed, hands at her waist. one movement - skirt and panties were on the floor. she was perfect as she stood before me. i kissed her. we fell to the floor. laughed. i picked her up and carried her to the bed. we kissed. adjusted her. kissed down her chest and stomach. slid her legs apart. she was ready. we both wanted it. i kissed and licked and took her between my teeth. she moaned. fingers caressed and slipped inside. she was louder.
it didn't take much before she was pulling me up to be face to face with her. she kissed me and lapped eagerly at my lips while tugging on my clothes. there was no doubt. no going back. this was going to happen. she begged me to hurry and fuck her. i was so nervous. she was beautiful, firm, athletic. perfect.
our fully nude bodies touched. she was so small underneath me. her hand slipped between us to act as a guide. she screamed in pleasure when i slid into her. she was so loud, all night. it was so sensual the way she screamed and talked during the whole night.
rarely staying in one position long, we kept changing things up. her entire body (and mine) became sweat-soaked. i'd pull her on top of me so i could lick the salty sweet sweat off her tiny breasts while she rode me. my hands and fingers ran across her body, unable to gain any traction. fingers laced through her hair. she moaned louder and screamed out "pull harder - fuck me! fuck, don't stop fucking me!"
her every filthy command, i obeyed. i never wanted to disappoint her. everything i did that night was to ensure she was satisfied. she rewarded my efforts with passionate energy and assurances that she was happy. that she came repeatedly. that we wouldn't stop fucking.
it was over 2.5hrs that first time. it was incredible! we were soaked - from our sweat, from the other's sweat, from how wet she was, from me finishing on her. our sweat covered the sheets. there wasn't a dry spot to be found from our aggressive & athletic fucking.
we fell asleep together shortly after.
i woke first. brushed my teeth so not to offend her. quietly slipped back into the bedroom and under the blanket. grabbed her panties and slid them off. she woke up, smiling. she knew what was next.... i went down on her for as long as she'd let me before she started begging for me to fuck her.
the sun was coming in the window - her expressions, her body, her... it was all fully lit. i could see every look on her face. watch her body react. see how extremely she arched her back as she tried driving me further and further into her.... i could see her mouth opening as she panted for breath between screams. i loved the way she was so loud. how she bit her arm, or the pillow, or me in her failed little attempts to silence herself. the way we kissed.
it was perfect. it was rough. it hurt. left us both exhausted. pleased. happy.
a fucking shame we only lasted roughly 10wks... idk that anyone will ever fuck like her. i miss her so much. not just the sex - even though that's what i'm focusing on tonight. tonight's 1year since our 1st time. i told her countless times as we fucked that she had taken hold of 4 of my top 5 sexual experiences. that it killed me that i'm sure i'll never find anyone else as passionate, physical, rough and enthusiastic. that i'll never fuck a gorgeous, athletic princess like her again. i don't even think athena could have compared to my princess. and tonight, i'll most likely go to bed alone. wishing that we could have one more night together and just pretend that we didn't fuck everything up between us.
princess arrived back in town. i took her to the conservatory so we could have some drinks and walk around. she wore a long skirt and a form fitting top. we kissed a lot while we were there. my hands barely left contact with her taut, athletic little body.
we left to go to a champagne & dessert bar. a couple more drinks. getting closer. kissing. touching. i knew i wanted her. it was starting to become obvious that this was going to happen.
pulling into my parking lot. it was pre-agreed that she'd spend the night. she asked if she could before the night ever rolled around. i wasn't sure i could handle going straight upstairs with her. we walked across the road to the bar. had a last drink. we kept looking at each other. it was obvious what we both wanted.
walked back to the car. holding hands. fetched her bag and went upstairs. the door opened. it closed. the bag fell to the floor. i spun her to me. we kissed. kicked our shoes off. a step in the door. her shirt was off, followed by her bra. she stepped back another step towards the bedroom. i followed, hands at her waist. one movement - skirt and panties were on the floor. she was perfect as she stood before me. i kissed her. we fell to the floor. laughed. i picked her up and carried her to the bed. we kissed. adjusted her. kissed down her chest and stomach. slid her legs apart. she was ready. we both wanted it. i kissed and licked and took her between my teeth. she moaned. fingers caressed and slipped inside. she was louder.
it didn't take much before she was pulling me up to be face to face with her. she kissed me and lapped eagerly at my lips while tugging on my clothes. there was no doubt. no going back. this was going to happen. she begged me to hurry and fuck her. i was so nervous. she was beautiful, firm, athletic. perfect.
our fully nude bodies touched. she was so small underneath me. her hand slipped between us to act as a guide. she screamed in pleasure when i slid into her. she was so loud, all night. it was so sensual the way she screamed and talked during the whole night.
rarely staying in one position long, we kept changing things up. her entire body (and mine) became sweat-soaked. i'd pull her on top of me so i could lick the salty sweet sweat off her tiny breasts while she rode me. my hands and fingers ran across her body, unable to gain any traction. fingers laced through her hair. she moaned louder and screamed out "pull harder - fuck me! fuck, don't stop fucking me!"
her every filthy command, i obeyed. i never wanted to disappoint her. everything i did that night was to ensure she was satisfied. she rewarded my efforts with passionate energy and assurances that she was happy. that she came repeatedly. that we wouldn't stop fucking.
it was over 2.5hrs that first time. it was incredible! we were soaked - from our sweat, from the other's sweat, from how wet she was, from me finishing on her. our sweat covered the sheets. there wasn't a dry spot to be found from our aggressive & athletic fucking.
we fell asleep together shortly after.
i woke first. brushed my teeth so not to offend her. quietly slipped back into the bedroom and under the blanket. grabbed her panties and slid them off. she woke up, smiling. she knew what was next.... i went down on her for as long as she'd let me before she started begging for me to fuck her.
the sun was coming in the window - her expressions, her body, her... it was all fully lit. i could see every look on her face. watch her body react. see how extremely she arched her back as she tried driving me further and further into her.... i could see her mouth opening as she panted for breath between screams. i loved the way she was so loud. how she bit her arm, or the pillow, or me in her failed little attempts to silence herself. the way we kissed.
it was perfect. it was rough. it hurt. left us both exhausted. pleased. happy.
a fucking shame we only lasted roughly 10wks... idk that anyone will ever fuck like her. i miss her so much. not just the sex - even though that's what i'm focusing on tonight. tonight's 1year since our 1st time. i told her countless times as we fucked that she had taken hold of 4 of my top 5 sexual experiences. that it killed me that i'm sure i'll never find anyone else as passionate, physical, rough and enthusiastic. that i'll never fuck a gorgeous, athletic princess like her again. i don't even think athena could have compared to my princess. and tonight, i'll most likely go to bed alone. wishing that we could have one more night together and just pretend that we didn't fuck everything up between us.
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