a huge part of why i've barely been writing is due to my intense depression right now. i've been unemployed since november, munchkin has obviously friendzoned the ever-living shit out of me, i've messaged maybe 3 girls in the past 2.5mos, i can't seem to find anything of value i have to offer anyone, i have no money (legit, i can't afford to pay my rent this month) and i'm feeling completely alone and abandoned.
my sleep cycles are a constant mess because of the lack of structure in my life. i can't find the motivation to exercise. every time i search for and apply to jobs (not that i'm regularly finding ones related to my field or that will actually provide me with useful experience) i feel another part of me dying inside because i know the competition i'm against and the rejections of the past 31mos keep cutting closer and closer and hurting more and more. i'm a burden to my entire family who has been supporting me as my funds keep running out, but they can't keep it up much longer.
even my backup plans of working in a coffee shop or going back to driving truck have turned out to be failures. going back to school *could* be an option, but only if i can find a funded program and i can't apply for this year, so autumn 2013 would be the earliest i could get into a program.
i'm trying to keep active with groups and friends, but i'm failing at that. most days are a challenge to wake up, then when i do, i'm too tired / depressed to do anything. all this time is just an impetus to dwell on every failure in my life and it's leading to total paralysis that's keeping me from being able to do anything, since i'll just fail again - so why bother.
none of the applications i have in give me any hope. no one replies to any of my followup emails or calls. i'm out of time, money, options & hope. none of my knowledge, skills or abilities are desirable to any employer and i, myself, am not desirable to any potential partner.
i think i've figured out why i play RPGs like D&D - if your (character's) life completely sucks, you have the ability to re-roll. you can't re-roll (or log off from) your own life.
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