never forget. never forgive. - post 118

once upon a time, i dated* a girl.

* well, according to her - we were "pseudo-dating"

once upon a time, i pseudo-dated a girl.  we jumped fairly quickly into an exclusive relationship - we split a bed on our 2nd date.  we were having sex on our 3rd and within roughly a week of knowing each other.  on our 2nd date, she told me that this was time limited because she was moving away in about 2.5mos to go to grad school.  she couldn't even think about trying to be in a relationship during grad school - it was too important / too demanding for that - save nothing about trying to have a long-distance relationship.

when we were pseudo-dating, only once did she offer to pay for anything.  i cooked for her regularly on the weekends when she was in town.  when she was having a bad day or wanted to go for a drink / food - i took her.  i would cancel prearranged plans with friends to do this - because, at the time, i thought that we meant something to each other.  that we were progressing to something beyond "just having fun".  i knew that money was something between tight and non-existent for her.  it was with me as well - but i was marginally more comfortable.  i paid for virtually everything.  

occasionally we had sex.  considering that we were allegedly "just having fun" - the sex occurred far less than it should have.  after thinking about it more, i could make an argument that it occurred as infrequently as she felt she "should" happen.  she only initiated things on a handful of occasions - and she was very aggressive about getting it when she wanted it.  but our pseudo-relationship should have been just physical, we were "just having fun".  plus, if we were "just having fun" ~ why should she care that i'm friends with #1 & the german still?  but that became a major issue for her.  she alleged that was the reason that she felt the need to end things nearly 2wks before we had agreed we were going to end them.  that we couldn't end things the way we said we were going to when we began "just having fun".

a few months later, she returned to this city and we got together for a special event.  i took her out for a couple of drinks.  again, she never offered to pay.  she started talking about her first couple months in her new region / school.  from the sounds of it, she had been on some dates (apparently, they didn't end so well - with him saying things that made her uncomfortable).  this rubbed me kind of wrong, she was in grad school, after all.  a place where she said that she couldn't even imagine being in a relationship.  so why was she dating?  we went to the event.  she started complaining that she was hungry and it was giving her a headache.  i stupidly offered to take her to dinner.  again, she never offered to pay or even split the bill.  all night - she was getting close to me, leaning on me, cuddling up to me, letting me hold her close, rub her legs and back.  she let me think that there was still something there.  at the end of the night, i leaned in to kiss her and she pulled away and said that we couldn't kiss.  it wouldn't be right.

we kind of stayed in touch and traded some messages.  then she stopped replying.  didn't reply to my happy birthday wishes, a couple of inquiries about how things are going, nothing.

yesterday, after my post about being pissed - a photo popped up on my messenger that didn't look familiar, so i clicked on it to see who it was - and it was her.  and right on the top of her profile "in a relationship with ...." 

i've said more than a few times, once things ended with us, i was able to admit that she wasn't a particularly good girlfriend.  she was distant.  went berserk at things that i never could have known would set her off.  she was terrible at communicating about anything of substance.  always at arm's length.

now, after further consideration - she was a user.  she used me to provide food and drinks and a place away from her housemate / housemate's partner when they were having difficulties.  used me to cook for her and serve as someone that she could bitch about everything and everyone else to.  and we occasionally had sex.  

she lied about how she never wanted a relationship in grad school.  she lied and changed her story multiple times about why she was ending things between us when she did.  i was no longer useful to her because i was deluded into thinking that there could be something serious between us.  she was cold, distant and calculating because she knew something that i didn't - she knew that she was pseudo-dating me because she needed someone to buy her things and provide additionally financial support.  that's why it was short-term until she moved away.  she wasn't interested in me.  she saw someone that she could use.  someone that couldn't say no to a gorgeous collegiate athlete.  an easy target to get what she wanted.  and in the end, all she had to do, was have sex occasionally.

pissed - post 117

every now and then, you get that feeling.  you can't explain it.  you're not 100% sure what triggered it.  but, it's real.  you realize that you're pissed at the world and everything in it.  every single little thing is just something else that's going to set you off.  you can't focus on anything, and when you try to, your rage just rises because you don't have an outlet and it just keeps building as you're trying to ignore it and wish it away trying to distract yourself.  but it doesn't work.  nothing works.  you want to break something.  but even that won't be enough.  so much frustration that can't be abated.  you know that you're not going to sleep - but you're not going to be productive and accomplish anything either.  so the feeling keeps feeding on itself in this vicious fucked up cyclical pattern.  that feeling....  it's not going to go away.

not disasterous - post 116

i'm completely exhausted, so i make no promises that this will be particularly coherent.

last night, i met this girl.  she messaged me on the intertoob dating site (if you recall - that's usually yielded disasterous results) and we had a pretty epic discussion, so we decided to meet.  zomfg - this woman is fucking hilarious and super easygoing and just great to talk with.  we have a lot in common, a pretty wide breadth of knowledge that plays very well off of each other and seem to have a lot of similar outlooks on the status of the world at large. 

she's just over a year older than me.  really tall.  looks like she's pretty built.  super giggly.  very attractive.  

cautiously optimistic.  it went well, but she's going to be out of town (and the hemisphere for a while) for the better part of the next two months...  idk.  she's cool - no regrets on trying to get to know her.