still fucked up - post 127

it occurred to me that, somewhere around 4yrs ago this past week, snowflake and i were sitting on her couch, making out & airing our dirty laundry when we stopped, looked at each other and she smiled, let out a small, single, humorless laugh and uttered those infamous words:

"god... we are two of the most fucked up people in the world."

whores - post 126

i fucking hate whores.  

srsly, i just deleted texts from last night from my reader feed because of how disgusted i am at the behavior of women these days.

(202): I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.

i can't make this shit up.  

(506): He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?

and yet, the stereotype remains that dudes are dogs and we're just out to fuck anything that moves.

plus, this city is full of girls (i refuse to acknowledge them as "women" or even "chix") that are exactly like the ones above.  suddenly, i'm regretting Operation Beaver Free Twenty-One-Three a whole lot less.

the pull - post 125

i've long been terrified of heights.  lower heights (from standing precariously on a 6' ladder to, idk, 30-40', maybe) seem too easy to fall from and get moderately hurt.  but taller heights... they scare me for a different reason.  

heights tempt me.  they call to me.  they are in a perpetual battle with my ever weakening will.  the beckon me to take that one more step.  to feel the freedom of the fall.  would i feel free?  terror?  would it hurt?  would i bounce?  feel anything?  would Terra welcome me with a firm embrace?  would i live, horrible mangled and unable to do anything?

tonight i felt myself looking for a place to sit and think.  i nearly went to a little area by a dam to the northwest of the city.  the black, inky water with the limited lights of night on it would be relaxing, i thought.  but as i drew near, my thoughts turned to an acquaintance of mine that fell from that overlook by the dam and nearly died.  would his fate be mine?  would i survive the step off?  would Terra's embrace take my life from me?  would it be far enough?  too far?

again, the pull of the abyss tugged at my will.  urging me on to it.

weak and near tears, i resisted.  kept driving.  i found myself being pulled towards a reservoir / dam to the northeast of the city.  a fair road traveled over the top of the dam and spillway.  i've looked over that edge many times.  it's not so far.  i'd be unscathed.  would i?  it's not far enough.  

again, the pull.  that one step into the open air.  the black of night between me and the ground.  the thrilling fall.  over far too fast....

quickly, i wheeled my car around and followed a lesser river towards home.  no dams.  high cliffs, though.

softly, they whispered to me earlier today.  more of a curiosity.  it barely registered.  step over the reminder fence and a short hop.  nothing between me and the river below.  naught but 100' of air and nothingness.  i've looked over that outlook more times than i can remember in the past decade.  pretty sure i've conquered that particular urge, though.

the electricity in the air of niagara falls is another story.  how easy it would be to step off that brink.  nearly 200' to the tumultuous water below.  to feel the mists and airblasts rising up as you're falling down.  the utter immersion in the here and now of the abyss that envelopes you into it.  on a windy, misty day, her tendril-like fingers wrap around you and pull you towards it.  softly at first, begging you to take a look.  then your wits fade and you lean further over.  looking at a sensual mistress calling you to her with longing and desire.

i'm not the only one that feels this pull, am i?