regressing - post 129

life has been nothing but a series of giant steps back for years - this is just the latest.

the trip from 'home' last time i wrote wasn't the last trip.  the following weekend, i had to return (this time w/ #1 to help her gather stuff as well).  on return from this trip, the housemate knocked on the door before i even had my bag unzipped to unpack and after a brief "how was the trip" came "find a new place to live yet?"

after that, i settled on the following plan:  since my job was ending on the 29th, i was planning on returning 'home' for 2wks to help my mother with anything she needed to get ready for her move at the end of april, anyhow.  so now, i steeled myself to return for a month (or until i found a job, if sooner) after moving everything from the place i was at into storage and readying the things i'd need for a month back 'home'.  while there, i'd catch up with family and my few remaining friends, continue the job search, apartment hunt and help my mother in preparation for her move.

needing to rely on family for housing is a massive regression for me.  i went from one place lacking privacy (and not my own) to another where i lack the same privacy and am saddened by it not being me on my own again.  the area around 'home' is incredibly depressing, dirty, lacking options for entertainment / escape and just maddeningly sad.

i'm working on implementing a strategy for running every other day.  as well as eating better.  salad and chix'n and broccoli for dinner last night.  tonight i roasted a chix'n of my own and had green beans and salad.  that chix'n will feed me for another night or two, then i'll rip up the rest and use it to make pasta sauce (puttanesca) to finish out the week/end.  next week, i'm going to crockpot up some chili.  trying to have vegetables and salads regularly.  avoiding fast food / junk food.  stretching every night (3 exercises recommended by my massage therapist).

i'm hoping to find a job sooner than later.  i keep telling myself, i just need to get through the year.  the selection board meets in october and i'll be able to bolt off to OCS early in 2014.  in the meantime, i keep searching.  just need to find something to make enough money to live off of until i leave for OCS (if accepted)... 

*sigh*

so much bad, ugly shit these past few years.  i'm not sure how i manage to keep fighting through it.  it's breaking me.  the stress of it all keeps piling up & i have no idea how much more water can build behind the dam before it bursts...