sleepless in snowville - post 122

this one will probably be a quick entry.

today's forecast is for 4-10" & so far, there's been a lot of sleet / freezing shit falling. i tried to go to bed at a reasonable hour last night (0200) to prepare for today - but it was well after 0400 before i managed to work my way to sleep...  then i woke up around 0800 thanks to the pinging of icy stuff off the window.  

needless to say, a piss-poor night's worth of sleep combined with a 12.5hr shift tonight (and most likely again tmrw with a possibility for another one friday, dependent on how much falls in total) doesn't bode well for me.

bright side:  the storm (Euclid, i believe they're calling it) should be wrapping up by the time i get out at 0330.  if that forecast holds, then tmrw will just be cleanup after the storm.  the figure most often bandied around work is that each 1" = 24hrs to remove.  there's some potential for more than a little bit of OT for the remainder of the week...

taking stock - post 121

a cursory review of this past year reveals little of substantive value.

• went on dates w/ 7 girls (i'm shocked at that number as well) 
• for a grand total of 12 dates
• went over 11mos unemployed
• only employment is PT/Seasonal
• lost my apartment
• lived the majority of the year barely being able to pay bills
• discovered what it's like to eat ramen noodles, mac&cheese and potatoes almost exclusively for nearly a month due to no money
• discovered that meaningless sex isn't enjoyable
• rejected from countless potential jobs
• ignored / rejected by over 90% of women i've messaged on the intertubes

other than that...  this year has been a spectacular failure.

just a post - post 120

oh... what is there to say?

the year is drawing nigh - i'm hoping that i can slam through 1-2 (maybe 3) more books before it's over and done with.  there's still some cookie making / delivering to do as well.  that's the plan for friday through sunday, at any rate.

what else?  beaver-free in twenty-one-three is probably going to be really likely to occur.  women just have zero interest in me.  it's probably for the best.

friday, i went to a drag show.  even though i was with a handful of peeps i know, i felt strangely alone at it.  idk.  

there was shit that i had been mulling around talking about this time through, but i'm totally blank right now.

hopefully, some of the things that i intended to post on will come to me shortly and i can come back tomorrow or something and try to actually say something.

first week recap - post 119

this past monday (26 nov 12) i started the new position.  pt/seasonal - 20hrs/wk through march 13 - only, so it's not worth getting too excited over.  they take training somewhat seriously.  it's kind of boring though.  there's a lot to remember (won't be too much of an issue - just will take time).  the equipment isn't terribly difficult to operate, just big in a way different than i'm used to.  be it bus or tractor/trailer - they were all 102" wide, max (8.5').  these things have plows or brooms up to 22' wide.  granted, the lengths are far smaller - but, when compared to what i'm accustomed to driving, the width and weight distribution changes a lot about the operation / center of gravity / turning radius / backing / etc.  i just need some time to become familiar with the new equipment and the policies / procedures for snow operations and i'll be fine - but getting there is going to be a process.

positives:

• i get to operate heavy equipment and add that to my resume.  including skid-steers, john deere tractors / loaders, wheeled loaders, oshkosh plow trucks, international 4300 series straight trucks (salt / sand spreaders) and possibly some BAMF (big-ass mutha-fuckin') snow brooms.
• i'm fascinated by infrastructure and how it works - getting on-field access to a working airport combining commercial / civil / military operations is pretty exciting.
• it's paid work.
• writ large, i'll have some opportunities to just do my own thing: here's your assignment - go do it.  i'm a fan of working solo.  give me a project, goals, deadline and a bit of instruction on how you want it done and let me get after it.
• unless there's snow, it's only 20hrs/wk ~ i have time to continue my real search.
• afternoon shift --> i don't have to kill myself to get onto a bullshit sleep schedule.

negatives:

• in good weather - it's more than 45min each way of a commute.  that means i'm in the car 1.5-2hrs RT per shift (4hrs, if it's not snowing).  it also means that i'm paying out an increased $150/mo± just in fuel costs to get back and forth to work (~1/9 of my gross).
• it will easily be worse than driving a bus in the same circle for 12hrs, driving up and down the same runways / ramps over and over and over for an entire shift. high boredom potential leads to increased over analyzing leads to increased levels of discontentment with the trajectory of my life.
• hit a $300M± airplane --> FIRED / fucked. hard.
• could be shot by the military if i accidentally wander across a painted line on the ground that could be hidden by the snow.
• could be killed by a plane landing on top of me.
• 5days/wk for only 20hrs.  on call 24/7 through march --> no chance of leaving for any manner of vacation / backpacking / anything.  weird hours also mean that i'll have a very hard time picking up a p/t job around it.
• it's not paying that well.  after fuel / taxes, i'll have enough to pay btwn 3-5 bills / month - depending on which ones i decide need to be paid that month.
• it doesn't benefit me in any direct way towards furthering my career goals.

idk, there's positives and negatives.  i just hope that they balance out and it doesn't turn into a giant clusterfuck.

never forget. never forgive. - post 118

once upon a time, i dated* a girl.

* well, according to her - we were "pseudo-dating"

once upon a time, i pseudo-dated a girl.  we jumped fairly quickly into an exclusive relationship - we split a bed on our 2nd date.  we were having sex on our 3rd and within roughly a week of knowing each other.  on our 2nd date, she told me that this was time limited because she was moving away in about 2.5mos to go to grad school.  she couldn't even think about trying to be in a relationship during grad school - it was too important / too demanding for that - save nothing about trying to have a long-distance relationship.

when we were pseudo-dating, only once did she offer to pay for anything.  i cooked for her regularly on the weekends when she was in town.  when she was having a bad day or wanted to go for a drink / food - i took her.  i would cancel prearranged plans with friends to do this - because, at the time, i thought that we meant something to each other.  that we were progressing to something beyond "just having fun".  i knew that money was something between tight and non-existent for her.  it was with me as well - but i was marginally more comfortable.  i paid for virtually everything.  

occasionally we had sex.  considering that we were allegedly "just having fun" - the sex occurred far less than it should have.  after thinking about it more, i could make an argument that it occurred as infrequently as she felt she "should" happen.  she only initiated things on a handful of occasions - and she was very aggressive about getting it when she wanted it.  but our pseudo-relationship should have been just physical, we were "just having fun".  plus, if we were "just having fun" ~ why should she care that i'm friends with #1 & the german still?  but that became a major issue for her.  she alleged that was the reason that she felt the need to end things nearly 2wks before we had agreed we were going to end them.  that we couldn't end things the way we said we were going to when we began "just having fun".

a few months later, she returned to this city and we got together for a special event.  i took her out for a couple of drinks.  again, she never offered to pay.  she started talking about her first couple months in her new region / school.  from the sounds of it, she had been on some dates (apparently, they didn't end so well - with him saying things that made her uncomfortable).  this rubbed me kind of wrong, she was in grad school, after all.  a place where she said that she couldn't even imagine being in a relationship.  so why was she dating?  we went to the event.  she started complaining that she was hungry and it was giving her a headache.  i stupidly offered to take her to dinner.  again, she never offered to pay or even split the bill.  all night - she was getting close to me, leaning on me, cuddling up to me, letting me hold her close, rub her legs and back.  she let me think that there was still something there.  at the end of the night, i leaned in to kiss her and she pulled away and said that we couldn't kiss.  it wouldn't be right.

we kind of stayed in touch and traded some messages.  then she stopped replying.  didn't reply to my happy birthday wishes, a couple of inquiries about how things are going, nothing.

yesterday, after my post about being pissed - a photo popped up on my messenger that didn't look familiar, so i clicked on it to see who it was - and it was her.  and right on the top of her profile "in a relationship with ...." 

i've said more than a few times, once things ended with us, i was able to admit that she wasn't a particularly good girlfriend.  she was distant.  went berserk at things that i never could have known would set her off.  she was terrible at communicating about anything of substance.  always at arm's length.

now, after further consideration - she was a user.  she used me to provide food and drinks and a place away from her housemate / housemate's partner when they were having difficulties.  used me to cook for her and serve as someone that she could bitch about everything and everyone else to.  and we occasionally had sex.  

she lied about how she never wanted a relationship in grad school.  she lied and changed her story multiple times about why she was ending things between us when she did.  i was no longer useful to her because i was deluded into thinking that there could be something serious between us.  she was cold, distant and calculating because she knew something that i didn't - she knew that she was pseudo-dating me because she needed someone to buy her things and provide additionally financial support.  that's why it was short-term until she moved away.  she wasn't interested in me.  she saw someone that she could use.  someone that couldn't say no to a gorgeous collegiate athlete.  an easy target to get what she wanted.  and in the end, all she had to do, was have sex occasionally.

pissed - post 117

every now and then, you get that feeling.  you can't explain it.  you're not 100% sure what triggered it.  but, it's real.  you realize that you're pissed at the world and everything in it.  every single little thing is just something else that's going to set you off.  you can't focus on anything, and when you try to, your rage just rises because you don't have an outlet and it just keeps building as you're trying to ignore it and wish it away trying to distract yourself.  but it doesn't work.  nothing works.  you want to break something.  but even that won't be enough.  so much frustration that can't be abated.  you know that you're not going to sleep - but you're not going to be productive and accomplish anything either.  so the feeling keeps feeding on itself in this vicious fucked up cyclical pattern.  that feeling....  it's not going to go away.

not disasterous - post 116

i'm completely exhausted, so i make no promises that this will be particularly coherent.

last night, i met this girl.  she messaged me on the intertoob dating site (if you recall - that's usually yielded disasterous results) and we had a pretty epic discussion, so we decided to meet.  zomfg - this woman is fucking hilarious and super easygoing and just great to talk with.  we have a lot in common, a pretty wide breadth of knowledge that plays very well off of each other and seem to have a lot of similar outlooks on the status of the world at large. 

she's just over a year older than me.  really tall.  looks like she's pretty built.  super giggly.  very attractive.  

cautiously optimistic.  it went well, but she's going to be out of town (and the hemisphere for a while) for the better part of the next two months...  idk.  she's cool - no regrets on trying to get to know her.

annoyed again - post 115

i don't even know why i try to maintain an internet dating profile.  first up, let's go back to last weekend: the website sent me an email about being such a loyal user and asked me if i'd be interested in being a moderator for them.  i guess this is my consolation prize.  virtually no one ever replies to me. i've barely been on any dates.  so, yeah - apparently that's a thing.

alright, on to my beef for the day.  my profile is very clear: if you're poly / in a relationship / looking for an open relationship - do NOT message me.  i'm also very clear that i'm looking for dating / a relationship, not the other options available like new friends / pen pals / or casual sex.

with that clearly stated, i think it's understandable why i'm pissed about the following message from a bi girl that's "available" and states right off the bat that she's poly and in a relationship and has a wonderful boyfriend blah blah blah....

How do you feel about poly people if all they're looking for is platonic interesting conversations over coffee? (This is how I expand my social circle, ;) )  

i replied as bluntly as possible:

Poly people looking for platonic conversation, hmm....

I've been trying to write a response for the past hour and a half that doesn't make me look dismissive and bitter about past experiences with poly females that were just supposed to be "just friends" since I can't really convey tone, body language, etc. through email. With that little disclaimer, if you can bear with me through airing my concerns, I hope you'll understand my apprehensions.

1) Over the years, I've become acquainted with a number of poly individuals (male and female - more female though). I recognize that this limited number isn't representative of the poly community as a whole, and I'm trying not to judge it as such, but my experiences are what they are. Two supposedly "just friends" (both female & involved in open relationships) have tried on multiple occasions to get me to "oh, try it some time" or to persuade me into getting together at times where they were lonely and obviously looking for some sort of hook up ~ all while obviously dismissing the facts that I do not do anything casual (and yes, that's another issue entirely) and that I have no interest in being a part of a poly relationship or being with someone when they already have a partner. Again, I'm not trying to generalize to the community as a whole, but those have been two of my most recent experiences and it leaves me with a feeling that my preferences are not respected by those that don't understand my inability to participate in casual and/or non-monogamous relationships.

2) I have a fairly small circle of friends. Roughly 70% of which is female. A number of them are women that I was either:
a) interested in at some point, but rejected and "friendzoned" or
b) involved with and dated (anywhere from a few dates to 14yrs), but no longer together with.
While I try to be a good friend and support them, it's hard for me to not feel hurt, dismissed or rejected again when nearly all of them are in happy relationships and I'm still alone. Yes, there's a fair bit of selfishness there and I'm sure that they're not trying to rub my face in my failed efforts of the past, but it's still hard for me to deal with at times.

3) Kind of a corollary of 2) - I joined internet dating sites with the expressed intention of finding a relationship, since I thought that was the point of searching for individuals to date. The number of women who are only looking for new friends and pen-pals on here is very off-putting to me. We all have a limited amount of resources and time. At first, I tried to put a serious attempt in talking to women that approached me first (I will not message anyone that doesn't list "long-term dating" in their "looking for" section first) and trying to be friends with them and expand my social circle. So far, that has not gone particularly well - there have been a lot of mixed signals and hurt feelings as a result of those efforts. Plus, back to the point about limited resources - constantly trying to build new friendships takes time and effort. That's time and effort taken away from achieving my goal of finding a long-term partner...

So, yeah... Still sounds kind of dismissive and bitter, right? Having read through your profile twice and looking at some of our match questions, it seems like we could have some pretty solid conversations - but, I have no idea if that offsets my apprehensions above. I recognize how this reply must seem, but I hope that you can see and (at least partially) understand my point of view.

which brings a snarky reply from her: 

Yes, you are correct in how it sounds. I can see your point of view, but am not interested in lowering my personal utility to deal with it.

Good luck in your search though. Have you considered match.com? It might be a better fit for what you're looking for.  

needless to say, i'm annoyed as fuck. i've been nothing but honest in my profile and have listed a few conditions that are absolute deal-breakers for me, and yet - i'm still messaged by individuals that don't respect my preferences... 

housemates' wedding recap - post 114

this past weekend was my housemates' wedding.  a nice, simple out-of-doors affair with a small crowd and a celtic theme to it.  *FINALLY* got to wear a kilt!  seriously, i've been looking for an opportunity to do so for years.

i was paired up with a lovely bridesmaid.  my buddy's cousin.  surprisingly close to "age appropriate" - only like, 5yrs younger than me.  needless to say, nothing at all happened...  she couldn't have shown less interest in me.  legit, it would be impossible for her to do so.

friday, there were some issues with her flight, so i was asked to go retrieve her from the airport.  on the bright side, it gave me a bit of a chance to talk to the woman i'd be walking with - and she seemed very sweet.  intelligent (has a master's).  cute.  but, there wasn't really much of a "connection".  at the dinner friday night (and back at the cabins afterwords), she was all about spending time with family and just hanging out with her cousins, aunts / uncles, etc., which i totally get - it is a family event.  

saturday, i didn't see her much b/c of the dudes & chix being separate to do our respective duties.  when we finally met to walk together, i gave her my arm then placed my free hand on top of hers, leaned in and told her "wow, you are stunningly beautiful".  we walked into and away from the ceremony and into the reception together, but that was really it.  she was nice enough to offer a hug when i was leaving.  (i made sure to stop over to say goodbye and tell her that i enjoyed having her company on the drive up).  sunday, she was to be returning home, so i messaged her to have a safe trip and that i hope it went far better than the trip down.  that message has been ignored (as i expected it would be).

virtually everyone at the event was pairbonded.  the "singles" that participated in the bouquet & garter thing were all pairbonded (though not yet married) so far as i could tell.  so, yeah... that was a thing.

i did get to put my public speaking skills to good use through reading an irish toast for them (along with one of the bridesmaids).  that was also a thing.

since it was out of town, there were cabins rented for all of us - and we had access to them friday and saturday night - but since we had to be out by 0900 on sunday, i decided to just not drink at the wedding and come home as soon as i could head out saturday night.  friday, the best man provided a selection of scotches and whiskeys (and cigars) for us to sample.  raining off an on all night, a couple of us hopped into the hottub and (again, no drinking for me) drank and enjoyed a cigar while telling stories, jokes and having a fairly good time.

by all accounts - it was a successful event.

an undescriptive title - post 113

i've been meaning to write this post for a few days - but, alas... life knows how to get in the way of doing stuff.

last friday i had the pleasure of attending a concert put on by the incredibly talented violinist Lindsey Stirling (and do the whole VIP treatment / meet & greet thing - also pretty cool).  she's a super nice (and very energetic) young woman who puts on a solid show.  i'm happy i had the opportunity to be a part of it.  

since i never participated in a meet & greet, i wasn't really sure what to expect.  and i thought it would be nice to bring her a little gift to remember (in some way) her visit here.  so i brought her some local mead from Brother's Drake Meadery and knit her a pair of slippers.  she seemed to appreciate the gesture... 

what else?

still job searching.  focusing on the private sector for now to try to find something (anything) to bring in income for a little bit while i'm going through the process of applying to the air force.  late march is the earliest i'll hear anything - so i really do need something in the meantime. 

still g/f searching.  i received my first reply in months from a woman on OKC.  seemed like one of those typical "being nice and replying, but this is really a blow-off" type of messages.  not banking on anything on that front.

started the 200situps autumn challenge (in actuality, they're crunches) this week.  i did an initial test of 125 - single set.  needless to say, i hope that this goes better than the 100pushups summer challenge (final test of 40 - single set. i think the most i did in a single workout was in the 70s over 5 sets).  that's a thing...

still trying to get on the bike to minimize car use.  not doing better than a trip or two each week - but it's better than nothing.  i met a friend out for drinks on thursday and rode the bike down and home.  ~22mi r/t.  11mi each way, despite taking vastly different routes each way.  funny how that works.  had to ride at night, too.  the l/s jersey from my collegiate team days was helpful!  cooled off quite a bit once the sun went down. the bad part of that ride is that it took place in the late afternoon (1630, return ~2000ish) and i only ate a medium sized brekkers (and didn't onboard sufficient water during the day).  so the length of the workouts (~51min each way) took a fair bit out of me.  i did manage to make myself a large salad and chocolate milk for dinner (fortunately, i ran to the grocer the night before), after showering.  left me w/ a massive headache though.  woefully under-nutritioned for that kind of workout.  going to try to ride 1-2x this weekend while taking care of #1's dog, add to the miles a little bit...  

the housemates are out of town again this weekend.  it's also the last weekend i'll have on my own until next year...  i've grown accustomed to being alone over the weekends over the past few months.  on the brightside of them being gone - i can turn the heat off this weekend.  too fucking hot in here.  i've had my window open, fan on and vent shut since they turned the AC off (far too early, i might add).

Parkour - post 112

Just to be clear:
<--- this stuff is Parkour done by someone really good at it.

<--- this is NOT the stuff we were doing Wednesday night.

<--- this looks pretty cool.  What we did looked kind of like a juvenile deer / antelope attempting to stand for the 1st time.

 <--- this is the aspirational goal, someday. 



so, as it turns out, Parkour is actually a pretty legitimate workout.  you do tons of shit that your body generally doesn't do - so you're working muscles and groups that are long neglected.  hell, even the "warm up" had me sweating pretty solidly.  damned happy i didn't do my pushups today - i never would have made it.  never never never.

now i just kind of want to run around jumping onto and off of things.  it seems like a good idea and funzies.

for those that don't know what Parkour / FreeRunning is - it's a system of movement to overcome obstacles and move from one place to another in the fastest, most efficient way possible.  (FreeRunning emphasizes personal style and "pretty" moves along the way).  look it up on the intertoobs.  there's lots of cool stuff.  

annoyed - post 111

oh dear... i don't even know where to begin right now.  

i think i'm developing a strong interest in one of the girls in my knitting group.  she seems really amazing: a runner, cyclist, enjoys watching footy (and my favorite team), knows her way around good beers, has an advanced degree (in one of the "hard sciences" even) and is just super-cool (based on listening to her chat with everyone in the group over the past months).

friday, i'll be enjoying my favoritest little violinist in concert - live, in person - Lindsey Stirling.  i'll even be able to have a photo with her.  that should be kind of cool, except for the fact that i have no clue what to say to her.

sunday is athena's birthday.  somehow, i didn't message her back in august (as i usually do) on the date that we hooked up all those long years ago.  she'll ignore me again (as she always does) when i message to say happy birthday - but i feel like i need to send her some sort of message.  i need her to know that i still think about her.

OKC sent me my weekly email of new matches.  there was this one girl who was a 90% match.  she seemed nice enough, though a little nit-picky, based on her profile.  i started to think "hmm... i should message her and say hello" until i made it to her little diatribe:

I enjoy men who are big in the pants area. In fact, I can't date you unless you're well endowed. I don't want to waste any of my time or your own, getting to know you for a month just to find out that.. well, you know. So, sorry if that sounds bad, but that's me and I have my reasons 

seriously?  if that's your legitimate deal breaker, you're kind of a cuntbag.  alright, you're a size-queen - whatevs man.  but when you're saying that you don't want to "waste any of my time" just because someone's not hung like john fucking holmes - that's pretty much bullshit.  i never cease to be amazed at what women put on their profiles.  sort of like the one girl that indicated that she had been arrested while on a 1st date...  

i'm so sick of trying to meet women online (and offline, for that matter).  the last time one replied to me was back 22 March 2012.  combine that with the constant rejection from the realm of trying to find work - and, well - it turns out that i am thoroughly undesirable to anyone.  for any purpose.

more awkward than expected - post 110

i'm just going to copy+paste the recap of the unadulterated clusterfuck of awkwardness that friday night turned into from another one of my pages:

****BEGIN RETRANSMITTED MESSAGE****

Well... That was even more awkward than I had imagined! Somehow, she wasn't expecting to be meeting me - but rather, a different person, so it was even weirder. Like the mature adult I pretend to be, I was civil and offered her the option to just grab dessert & catch up, then part ways OR we could just part ways immediately. She opted for dessert... I don't think I've EVER had such a superficially based conversation that's been so uncomfortable.

Let me be as clear as possible when I say: Fuck. This. Shit.

****TRANSMISSION END****

from here, a few friends commented on this as they're uninitiated to this blog and the stories leading up to this point in time.  i tried to clarify / bring everyone up to speed with the following (lengthier) message:

 ****BEGIN RETRANSMITTED MESSAGE****

Okay... Let me set this up appropriately. On Saturday, I received a text from this girl I hooked up with back in December (after which, she proceeded to fall off the face of the planet). This text was clearly intended for someone else, so I said "Hey, I think you messaged the wrong person - either way, I hope you're doing well" and expected that to be the end of it.

She replies and starts chatting away. She then indicated that she wanted to get together for coffee on Monday. It seemed a little odd, but whatever, I said sure.

Monday, she messaged be to cancel / reschedule for later in the week (today) and we agreed to meet at [Dessert Place] & maybe head over to [Restaurant] afterwords. THEN, she messaged me yesterday to ask if I wanted to go to [Local Arts Space] for an artist party after all of that. Again, I hesitantly said "Sure"

Well - this is really weird because of how things ended back in December... [Going Tarantino here: We went on a few dates, she seemed really into it, we were getting along well, blah blah blah... She was supposed to head out of town to visit family in Cincinnati (it was the week of X-mas) - but for whatever reason, that didn't happen. At 0200 in the morning, I had just finished making Xmas cookies for peeps, I get a call from her: "Hey, I'm still in town, would you come over?" Of course, I did. We're getting into things, she excused herself for a moment, comes back and proceeded to have a complete and utter meltdown - tears and all - about how I'm such a nice guy and she's just going to hurt me and we should slow down and a completely incomprehensible spiel around the tears about how she "always does this" I agreed that we should slow down and that was totally cool. She wrapped herself around me in bed and we fell asleep. In the morning, she woke up, freaking out about how she was late and needed to leave. We kissed goodbye, she said we'd talk later then I never heard from her again.]

Okay, so given that, the fact that she suddenly is planning a whole night of shit seems odd - but as I said "Whatever..."

*Sigh*

SO tonight - I'm waiting for her, she shows up and looks legitimately surprised to see me. We go inside, take a table and she starts off: "So... Yeah... This is going to be really weird and awkward"

I deadpanned "As if this isn't already?"

"Well, you know how this all started with the mistaken text? Apparently my phone is also moving numbers from where they belong, it switched Derpina & Derpette and a few others... Apparently it swapped yours with my friend (whatever his name was, I wasn't really paying attention)."

I told her that, well, we're both here... We can eat some dessert and "catch up" and part ways or we could just laugh it off, get up now and head out. She decided we should eat and head out.

Hands down, the most awkward 20-25 conversation ever! Even our poor waitress was visibly uncomfortable.

And THAT, my friends, is just another example of why I hate trying to date in this fucking city. Because weird, uncomfortable, awkward shit like this happens with surprising regularity to me...

****TRANSMISSION END****

yeah... so that happened.  i left there, called up a friend of mine & met her at a bar (didn't drink! only had some fried mac&chz bites and water) then caught up with another buddy for a burger & to relay the awkwardness.  

 this, as it turns out, is my life.

"apprehensive" is an understatement - post 109

as it turns out - a^4 canceled for monday, but said she still wanted to get together this week.  so tonight (friday), we're going out for dessert, a small dinner then to a party for some arts gathering.  this is kind of shaping up like a "date"...  

i'm really nervous about how this is going to go.  i haven't seen her since waking up in the morning in her bed after she freaked out (after calling me at 0200 to come over) about moving too fast and not being able to be in a relationship.  we got along so well back in december though, i'm thinking that we'll just start talking and everything will be good.  but, does she want to try again?  do i want to?  are there good reasons to?  should it be avoided at all costs?

no idea.

really, i just don't know how this is going to go or what she's looking for out of getting together.  nor am i sure what i'm looking for.  i don't even know that i'll be able to bring myself to ask her what happened back those 9 long months ago... 

there's too much uncertainty here, i'm having a hard time falling asleep as my mind plays through the endless array of possibilities for how this night could play out.

"apprehensive" is an understatement

a development - post 108

so, saturday - a^4 accidentally text me.  i replied briefly indicating that she messaged the wrong person & said something along the lines of "I hope you're doing well".  

sunday, she replied that her phone screwed up and messaged every victor* in her phone and inquired how i was doing.  seeing as she fell completely off the face of the planet back in december, this reply blew my mind.

well, long story short: we exchanged a few messages and firmed things up to meet up for coffee monday.  i'm pretty sure this has ¡ HAWKWARD ! written all over it. 

yeah... that's a thing.

additionally, i have a pretty packed week coming up.  a lot of errands and stuff to do with acquiring a job / volunteering / similar stuff over the course of the next 2wks.  a footy match in the middle of this week.  meeting up with a^4.  meeting up with the german. taking care of #1's dog while she's doing stuff this week.  cooking for the housemates later in the week.  

a lot of stuff that i'm fairly energized about.

AND - we're coming to a close pretty soon on my 100 Pushups Summer Challenge, so i'm working on hammering out a fitness challenge for my group for Autumn.  we'll see how that goes and what everyone's keen on doing.  hopefully, participation will improve.  we're down to myself and 3 others that are even posting anything (though not with a ton of regularity - one individual has been more consistent than anyone else, the other 3 of us are treading water as best as we can).

and that's that.

i'll update as soon as i can about how the meet up with a^4 goes (so long as she doesn't cancel)

¿re-energized? - post 107

just returned home from visiting the family (and reroofing my aunt & uncle's place - the main reason i went on that little trip).  as usual, the trip wasn't particularly relaxing due to all the running around to visit everyone.  combine that with the labor involved with ripping off an old roof, replacing boards and laying shingles, it was a pretty tiring week and a half.

on returning though, i'm feeling a little bit re-energized and ready to hop back into job searching and settling into my routine / doing stuff that needs to be done.  something, just to make sure i don't end up returning to my native "home".

what else?  i accomplished nothing on my ancillary list that i wanted to get done while out of town.  i didn't finish the book that i'm working on (though i'm already through 23 on the way to surpassing my goal of 26 this year) - so i didn't get to start the other ones i brought with me to work on.  similarly, i didn't get any knitting done.  all the emails i've been needing to get out also were put on hold....  

there's a lot of stuff to catch up on this week.  i have faith that i'll get through it all.

so, umm... i've been talking to a 19y/o from back around where family is from.  i was trying to lay the ground work to meet so that i'd have another friend to visit while up that way.  we had a pretty solid week+ worth of email exchanges, then thurs night (real early friday) had a super intense chat / cybering session.  she said she'd like for us to get together next time i'm in the area.  i'd really like that.  she seems fun and sweet and really nice / good natured.  we'll see if that leads to anything...

still listening to a bit of Emilie Autumn.  i need to find her Ophiliac CD.  i keep hearing songs from it that are amazing.  she's such a haunted, hurt young woman...  if her songs are as autobiographical as she says, it's a shame.

moar blogs n stuff - post 106

hmmm.... still sleeping a lot, but somehow, fucked up months of being on a semi-normal sleep schedule.  most un-good.

what else is going on?  i have not yet been on a run this week :-(  damned sleep schedule is making it hard to do.  however, i *AM* on top of my pushups for this week!  maybe i'll run friday and try to get on the bike over the weekend... hopefully.

been to the meadery 2x this week - my usual happy hour venture on wednesday.  that was kind of cool.  talked to some new people.  didn't get much reading done though.  then thursday, i was getting ready to go out & my house mate was talking to me about maybe picking up some bottles of mead, but wasn't really sure what.  i said, well - it's not happy hour, but if you want to go, we can head over and you can get a sampler for like, $15 and figure out what you like.  we got there and, shockingly, it was DEAD in there.  for the longest time, we were practically the only customers.  

i did get to spend a bit of time talking to our bartender (i see her all the time, but yesterday and today was the 1st time i really engaged in a conversation with her) and the new barback employee.  both seem like very nice, pleasant young women.  i guess it's good to be a regular somewhere... maybe if i ever get another woman to go on a date, i'll have somewhere to go where the bartenders know me and take good care of us.  in the mean time, it's just really nice to have somewhere to go w/ good drinks and have a place to read and relax.

did some knitting too, this week.  threw together a pair of boot toppers in 5 days (give or take).  going to do one more small one to match the mock up i did to try to sell them.  that should only take a night or two.  then, off to the store for more yarn & begin allotting a couple of hours each night to working on the toppers.  it's looking like the only way i'm going to make any money this year... 

trying to start up writing on the local blog again.  just need to keep plugging away on writing... that's going to break soon.  then i'll be able to freelance and make some money there as well.  right?  even though my bartering article was killed.  even though every other article i've written has either been rejected or only taken as unpaid pieces for news letters.  something has to give.  right? 

in other news, i was marginally productive this week.  went to a symposium on the future of nuclear energy in the US.  it was really interesting & had some great panelists.  they also had an epic lunch and a pretty respectable spread of bagels / pastries for brekkers.  it was a good thing.  i also judged a contest for my Toastmasters club.  thus ends my productivity. :-/

(the title of this post is a play on Deadmau5's "Moar Ghosts N Stuff" because i just could not come up with anything...) 

the glimmer is a lie - post 105

after trying something most uncharacteristic - being optimistic, the Fates & Furies have promptly put my ass back in it's proper place.  i'd like to thank them for that.

in my last post it had seemed as though i just might have found "the one" jobwise.  on the day that the posting was to close, i received an email stating that they had well over 100 additional applicants beyond what they had hoped to receive.  over 180 in total.  with impressive and varied qualifications, experience and skills.  translation: "i b fuck'd, yo"

so, yeah.  that's a thing.

Chuck & Beans 8/10/12  http://www.shoeboxblog.com/?p=31997

i'm dealing with it in accordance with expectations - sleeping over 16hrs a day and trying to avoid everyone as much as possible.  

and by contacting a military recruiter.  on the upside, if i die, my family gets something out of it.  as opposed to the present situation.  i can't even get a reply from a couple places i'm trying to volunteer at.  i'm thoroughly unwanted, it seems.  

in the rare hours that i'm awake, i've been reading.  ran 3x this week.  3 days of pushups for the 100 pushup summer challenge.  tried to go rock climbing - fucking rain / lightning ran us off the rock.

trying to stay on top of the goings on of the olympics.... pretending that it gives my life some manner of purpose and meaning.  

the ex (#1) was just hired to a new job.  10 days / month worked.  11 in a row off.  nice pay raise / benefits expansion...  must be nice.

i may have seen a^4 yesterday.  not sure though.  not that it really matters anyhow.

otherwise, there's nothing at all going on.  part of why i've barely posted.  life's just kind of circling the drain... 

a glimmer - post 104

as part of my job / career search today, i came across what has potential to be *the one* when it comes to ideal positions.  

i hold out the faintest glimmer of hope to the Fates & Furies that they may will it to be so.

they must know by now that i'm utterly broken and destroyed... if this doesn't come to pass, i don't know what else i can do.  what's left of 'will' is so very fragile & a crushing rejection is very likely to ruin that small amount which remains.

hibernation - post 103

it works for bears in winter, i'm not sure why i can't hibernate all summer...  dear summertime heat: fuck you!

so, i finished moving everything and cleaning last friday.  a huge storm ripped through friday night and knocked out power.  but, let's tarantino to the monday before. 

*the monday before* - i moved all of my big stuff: couch, bed, couple of bookshelves and a dresser and it was a nice day.  get back to my buddy's (where i'll be staying for a while) and it is hot as hell in his place.  turns out, the a/c decided to say "fuck you, i quit".  all week long was miserable weds & thurs were 100 & 101.  it was brutal.  so bad that thursday night, i slept on a cot in the place i was moving out of.

back to friday.  storm comes ripping through & i got caught in it while driving home from having a late lunch w/ a friend.  i got back to my apartment and went to park in my usual spot...  however, a tree and several branches from another tree were in my spot.  my poor little car would've been skooshed if i didn't decide to take a break and have lunch :-(

so, the storm that rips through is over in less than 1/2 an hour.  and knocks out power to over 800,000 in the region.  


so, my buddy takes off and heads out of town since we're lacking power.  it's still hotter than fuck.  i messaged my ex (#1) and explained what was going on.  she said i could come over and sleep on the couch.  woke up saturday morning & ran some errands.  went to the library until they closed at 1700 - one of the few places w/ a/c and power.  left there & met a buddy for dinner before the footy match (which was delayed b/c the utility co. needed time to get electricity to it again).  


while at the footy match, #1 messaged me and said i could sleep on the couch again - but i couldn't take a shower.  ¿wtf, maite?


i woke up in the morning, ran some stuff over to storage (lamps and the like) then returned to the library.  while there, i see an announcement from the city's dept. of public utilities that a 12" main broke about a block south of my buddy's place and we may have lost water pressure (or water entirely) and we are under a strict boil order until further notice.  so... no electric, no gas appliances, no water heater to shower, no a/c...  this was the final straw.


i stayed at the library until it closed.  ran into another buddy on the way out and we ran acrx the street for some dinner salads (too fucking hot to eat anything else) before i ran back to where i'm staying, threw together a bag and decided to retreat back to where my family lives 3 states away.  on the bright side, it's been >10F cooler here all week and today has been the only intolerably hot day.


while risky dealing w/ weather forecasts, i'm going to wait until the sun is nearly set tmrw and begin my return trip since temps drop into the 80s for the coming week and (by the fates and the furies, i pray) the a/c is supposed to be fixed this week.  and we have electric again (though i don't know about the water situation...).


i've accomplished virtually nil this entire week - running around all over the place to visit family & peeps.  right now all i want is a cool bar and some food and a place to relax.


*sigh*  hibernation sounds way better than all of this.

broken - post 102

at this point, even a "fuck you" would be nice...

i haven't even seen a rejection letter in weeks.  at least with one of those, you get to live in the delusion that someone took the time to at least look at your application / materials and tell you that you're not what they're looking for - it's better than being ignored.

two new women have been messaged on the intertoob dating site.  i don't think i'll hear back from either, despite the one being a 95% match.  not that it matters.  after all, i don't need the rejection from both the job market and the female market.

speaking of rejection: i haven't heard from munchkin since the 12th.  princess ignored my email to see how she's doing.  athena (still) will not answer any of my 'couple times a year' emails (even the most recent one inviting her to a fiona apple concert on her birthday).

my job search has been tabled the past two weeks and, in all likelihood, will remain as such for the coming week as well.  moving is taking a lot out of me, especially since the mercury has barely dipped below 85F.  i'm getting a couple loads per day over to the storage unit.  rid myself of nearly 12 bins of recyclings, 5 loads of garbage and 4 bags of clothing (donated).  

over 600 books have been scanned into a home library maintenance software suite.  those have all been methodically boxed and moved into storage as well.  monday, a buddy is coming over w/ a truck and we're moving most of the remaining larger items.  then i'll finish packing up the remainder of the smaller items and start on packing up the bathroom (1box worth of stuff, max) and the kitchen (less than 1/2 a day to pack) and, hopefully, have most of the day tuesday and all day weds --> fri to clean the apt sufficiently to get back most of my security deposit.

so, things are progressing on the moving front, but lets stop to take stock of the situation.

• virtually all that i own is being boxed and "shelved" into a storage unit.
• i still haven't been on a date since feb or early mar.
• when i'm not slammed with packing and have time to relax, i realize how horribly depressed i am.
• my life is in such disarray, i need to move into a guest bedroom @ a buddy's (w/ him & his fiancé).
• still no money.
• $100,000 in student loan debt.
• still no job.
• really depressed.
• utter dejected and broken.

dalmatians - post 101

there's nothing about dogs in this post, but it was the only thing that popped into my head for post 101.

coming into crunch time here.  the next 19 days aren't going to be good or relaxed.  i broke out some project management software to chart out the next week and what needs to be done as far as "deliverables" go to keep this move on track.

my entire apartment needs to be packed, the majority of it placed into storage, certain items lent to an ex (and certain ones that were borrowed - returned) and a small number of items moved to a buddy's place where i'll be crashing for a few months.  utilities need to be disconnected, address changed, items cataloged and the apartment fully cleaned.

some items need to be prepared for storage as well... 

the storage unit and p.o. box should make the coming year marginally easier.  if necessary, i can move multiple times without needing to change everything over.  

i need to find a job - but, major issue.  this move is going to take ALL of the remainder of this month - ergo, the job search must be tabled (more or less).

*sigh*  shit just keeps mounting.

i have to do some calculations on monthly expenditures as well.

need to get more knitting done as well - for sale, of course - the issue of "when?" is going to be a tough one to answer though. 

on the bright side, i just might end up too busy to notice just how lonely i am and how long it's been since i've talked to a new girl or been on a legit date.

nothing profound - post 100

i wish i could tell you guys that my 100th post is going to be deep, profound & insightful - but, alas, i cannot do so.

instead, i'm going to tell you that it's 0530 on a monday morning.  i'm still in mourning / depression over my inability to find a job and inevitable move in w/ a friend.  drinking a quality heiferwiezen (elevator brewing co from ohio) wondering why i drink unfiltered beers (i think it sat a little too long... we'll see if it tastes okay or if i'm going to have to rummage through the refrigerator again).

i think i need to go fetch something different... shame.  i like the heiferwiezens.  think i'm out anyhow, so time to buy a new case.  

stand by - i'll brb.

going w/ a schlitz american style lager.  light, easy drinking.  not a ton of flavor, but good for this warm part of the year.  

anyhow, this was a banner weekend...

i messaged #1, princess, a^4, the cute artsy munchkin (see post 60 for the intro to both of those last 2), munckin & the german this weekend.  AND there were a few women on a couple of internet sites that received messages this weekend as well.  in the realm of "not bad" i didn't message athena, snowflake, pikachu OR the bi girl.  take the little victories as they come.


shut up.  fuck you...  some of us are getting a touch lonely.


did a bit of working through my RPG character.  inventory tetris on their backpack.  good times...


what else?  i skipped the CON that was this weekend.  and the arts festival.  and virtually everything else that required being awake.


oh, yeah... i was turned down by yet another trucking company as well.  i don't have sufficient experience (despite 13yrs as a professional driver).  that's also, apparently, a thing.


i recycled a ton of stuff so that i won't have to pack and move it.  more of that going on this week as well.  


otherwise - there's nothing worth talking about in my life.  just a bunch of lamesauce mcnuggets.

it's getting too real - post 99

in about a month, i'll be living with a buddy of mine (& his fiance) because it seems as though nothing in my life is capable of working out.  i need to go arrange for a storage place by the end of the week and start moving stuff in to it.  boxing up my apartment and putting my personal living space on ice.

yesterday, i woke up and checked my email.  there was a rejection letter from a local police department that i applied to for a community liaison position.  of all the applications i've put in so far this year, this is the one that i had the most confidence that would work out.  after sleeping through the majority of the night, reading that was such a blow to me that i fell asleep again and slept through nearly the entire day. 

there's a CON in town this weekend.  as much as i'd like to go, i don't think that it's going to happen.  srsly, i can't justify dropping $75 for it.  there's 2 amazing authors that are going to be there though...  as much as i'd love to hear them talk, they're sci-fi / fantasy guys - idk if that would really be helpful for my writing pursuits.

i'm planning on having my etsy shop open by the end of the week (providing everything goes according to plan).

in other news - i still can't sleep worth a shit & really need to take up heavy drinking.

fully depressioned - post 98

a huge part of why i've barely been writing is due to my intense depression right now.  i've been unemployed since november, munchkin has obviously friendzoned the ever-living shit out of me, i've messaged maybe 3 girls in the past 2.5mos, i can't seem to find anything of value i have to offer anyone, i have no money (legit, i can't afford to pay my rent this month) and i'm feeling completely alone and abandoned.

my sleep cycles are a constant mess because of the lack of structure in my life.  i can't find the motivation to exercise.  every time i search for and apply to jobs (not that i'm regularly finding ones related to my field or that will actually provide me with useful experience) i feel another part of me dying inside because i know the competition i'm against and the rejections of the past 31mos keep cutting closer and closer and hurting more and more.  i'm a burden to my entire family who has been supporting me as my funds keep running out, but they can't keep it up much longer.

even my backup plans of working in a coffee shop or going back to driving truck have turned out to be failures.  going back to school *could* be an option, but only if i can find a funded program and i can't apply for this year, so autumn 2013 would be the earliest i could get into a program.

i'm trying to keep active with groups and friends, but i'm failing at that.  most days are a challenge to wake up, then when i do, i'm too tired / depressed to do anything.  all this time is just an impetus to dwell on every failure in my life and it's leading to total paralysis that's keeping me from being able to do anything, since i'll just fail again - so why bother.

none of the applications i have in give me any hope.  no one replies to any of my followup emails or calls.  i'm out of time, money, options & hope.  none of my knowledge, skills or abilities are desirable to any employer and i, myself, am not desirable to any potential partner.

i think i've figured out why i play RPGs like D&D - if your (character's) life completely sucks, you have the ability to re-roll.  you can't re-roll (or log off from) your own life.

it hurts - post 97

12 may 2011:

princess arrived back in town.  i took her to the conservatory so we could have some drinks and walk around.  she wore a long skirt and a form fitting top.  we kissed a lot while we were there.  my hands barely left contact with her taut, athletic little body.

we left to go to a champagne & dessert bar.  a couple more drinks.  getting closer.  kissing.  touching.  i knew i wanted her.  it was starting to become obvious that this was going to happen.

pulling into my parking lot.  it was pre-agreed that she'd spend the night. she asked if she could before the night ever rolled around.  i wasn't sure i could handle going straight upstairs with her.  we walked across the road to the bar.  had a last drink.  we kept looking at each other.  it was obvious what we both wanted.

walked back to the car.  holding hands.  fetched her bag and went upstairs.  the door opened.  it closed.  the bag fell to the floor.  i spun her to me.  we kissed.  kicked our shoes off.  a step in the door.  her shirt was off, followed by her bra. she stepped back another step towards the bedroom.  i followed, hands at her waist.  one movement - skirt and panties were on the floor.  she was perfect as she stood before me.  i kissed her.  we fell to the floor.  laughed.  i picked her up and carried her to the bed.  we kissed.  adjusted her.  kissed down her chest and stomach.  slid her legs apart.  she was ready.  we both wanted it.  i kissed and licked and took her between my teeth.  she moaned.  fingers caressed and slipped inside.  she was louder.

it didn't take much before she was pulling me up to be face to face with her.  she kissed me and lapped eagerly at my lips while tugging on my clothes.  there was no doubt.  no going back.  this was going to happen.  she begged me to hurry and fuck her.  i was so nervous.  she was beautiful, firm, athletic.  perfect.

our fully nude bodies touched.  she was so small underneath me.  her hand slipped between us to act as a guide.  she screamed in pleasure when i slid into her.  she was so loud, all night.  it was so sensual the way she screamed and talked during the whole night.  

rarely staying in one position long, we kept changing things up.  her entire body (and mine) became sweat-soaked.  i'd pull her on top of me so i could lick the salty sweet sweat off her tiny breasts while she rode me.  my hands and fingers ran across her body, unable to gain any traction.  fingers laced through her hair.  she moaned louder and screamed out "pull harder - fuck me!  fuck, don't stop fucking me!"  

her every filthy command, i obeyed.  i never wanted to disappoint her.  everything i did that night was to ensure she was satisfied.  she rewarded my efforts with passionate energy and assurances that she was happy.  that she came repeatedly.  that we wouldn't stop fucking.

it was over 2.5hrs that first time.  it was incredible!  we were soaked - from our sweat, from the other's sweat, from how wet she was, from me finishing on her.  our sweat covered the sheets.  there wasn't a dry spot to be found from our aggressive & athletic fucking.

we fell asleep together shortly after.

i woke first.  brushed my teeth so not to offend her.  quietly slipped back into the bedroom and under the blanket.  grabbed her panties and slid them off.  she woke up, smiling.  she knew what was next....  i went down on her for as long as she'd let me before she started begging for me to fuck her.  

the sun was coming in the window - her expressions, her body, her... it was all fully lit.  i could see every look on her face.  watch her body react.  see how extremely she arched her back as she tried driving me further and further into her.... i could see her mouth opening as she panted for breath between screams.  i loved the way she was so loud.  how she bit her arm, or the pillow, or me in her failed little attempts to silence herself.  the way we kissed.

it was perfect.  it was rough.  it hurt.  left us both exhausted.  pleased.  happy.

a fucking shame we only lasted roughly 10wks... idk that anyone will ever fuck like her.  i miss her so much.  not just the sex - even though that's what i'm focusing on tonight.  tonight's 1year since our 1st time.  i told her countless times as we fucked that she had taken hold of 4 of my top 5 sexual experiences.  that it killed me that i'm sure i'll never find anyone else as passionate, physical, rough and enthusiastic.  that i'll never fuck a gorgeous, athletic princess like her again. i don't even think athena could have compared to my princess.  and tonight, i'll most likely go to bed alone. wishing that we could have one more night together and just pretend that we didn't fuck everything up between us.

recap on this past week - post 96

it's been a fairly shitty week... 

so, i went to orientation monday and they have me listed as a student driver and tell me that i'm going to have to go OTR for 4-6wks w/ trainer at a student pay of $300/wk.  i told them that wasn't what i agreed to and i was leaving.  

i walked nearly 5mi to the hotel and ended up w/ a grand total of 7 blisters on my feet in the process.  #1 drove in to pick me up (more than an hour away from home) and take me home.  i bought her lunch to say thanks.

tuesday and wednesday were rough on me since my feet were useless.  i didn't really do anything other than try to catch up on sleep and job search. 

thursday morning i went to a toastmasters meeting as a visitor (2nd one) and had the opportunity to speak briefly during the table talk segment of the meeting.  i left there and drove ~5hrs up to western NY.  stopped to see my great uncle in the hospital that night & he was looking absolutely terrible.  it was obvious that this was the end for him.

friday morning i woke up and was going to take a shower before heading to the hospital & got a call saying that he already died a short time before.  so i jet over.  came home to shower real quick then went to my great aunt's and was there for a while as the family started making the necessary preparations.

did a bit of running around saturday, over to my great aunt's again for a while, home for a nap, went to an aunt's for her 60th b-day, then home again...  a bit more job search stuff.  another cover letter written.  and now catching up here...

i traded a few messages w/ munchkin today.  she's down in nashville visiting friends and applied to a position at her university (undergrad & grad) - apparently they interviewed her already and she said that she's going to jump on it if they do offer it to her.  i'm happy for her if she gets it - but i'm a little sad that i can lose her before we ever have an opportunity to become something.

sunday and monday are going to be long days, i think.  sunday's the viewing at the funeral home & monday is the day of the funeral.  then i'm going to try to see my brother that evening.  i'm going to try to head home either tuesday or very early wednesday...

the start of an error - post 95

i think everyone knows that I had to return to driving truck over the road... since this is going to have a hugely negative impact on my dating life, I'm going to spend a bit of time going through my orientation process and getting back on the road. 

 this isn't going to be a happy series of posts. most likely, there's going to be a lot of bitching about ending up in this situation. a good portion of that bitching will be about the fact that I'm making less money per mile than I was straight out of trucking school 10yrs ago. and - i'll be making (depending on miles per week) between $12-20k/yr less than I was with my 2nd company when I left driving back in 2004. 

where do I start today? I'm going to be over $100 to the negative before I'm even out of orientation. I had to pay $30 for an overweight baggage fee since I have 2wks worth of clothing, bedding, tools, toiletries & road essentials that I need to have with me. closely following that fee is a bit over $20/day for a hotel - so I don't have to split a room with a total stranger. add in some additional costs for food (of which there's not s huge assortment to choose from), but there's a BBQ place close by advertising an inexpensive chix'n sandwich that I'll try to check out tomorrow or Tuesday night. 

the bus ride was fairly quick, just a lot of waiting... over an hour waiting for the bus to board (then we left about 15min late). once I made it to the "station" here (which is basically a bus stop at a strip mall) i had another 45min wait until the hotel shuttle picked me up. 

hopefully, I'll be able to sleep normally the next couple of nights and get through orientation and figure out wtf, exactly, is going on for the near future once I'm on the road. I don't want to say that I'll be at ease once I slip onto a routine - but I'll be slightly more comfortable once I know how much I'm going to be making and what kind of home time I'll have. 

my primary goal right now is to identify between 3-5 potential jobs every week and apply to them when I'm home and able to. 

3 other minor goals I have involve making the most out of (what I'm sure will be) my ample downtime at shippers / receivers. 

1) to read regularly 

2) to do regular pushups and sit-ups (most likely alternating days to start) 

3) work on my craft projects to build up stock to open an etsy store by the end of the year. and with that, I'll close this night on the road, in a hotel as this phase of my life that I don't want to be in is kicking off...

catching up - post 94

where to start... 

i've spent a bit of time w/ munchkin over the past month, but idk if this is going to lead to anything.  we haven't even kissed or anything like that yet.  she's awesome and adorbs and just all sorts of *¡RAWR!*

nothing has turned around on the job front.  grrr.

most of last week was spent on the couch, sick.  that was suboptimal.  hell, i was barely on the intertubes for days at a time - just trying to recover and sleep in fitful, tiny little increments.

friday & yesterday, i went to MARCON and hung out in different panels for the majority of each day.  it was interesting, even if not exactly what i was expecting, for my 1st con.

what else?  more of the same.  science pub.  speak easy.  too many chefs.  crew.  symphony (oh, yeah - i came into last minute tickets for a show at the southern & ended up taking pikachu to that one).  other programming as i can find that's free or low cost....  i'm probably going to need to look a little more into both wild goose creative and the idea foundry.

i know it's a shitty summary, but really - there hasn't been much going on or worth talking about :-/

depressed / bored - post 93

march is certainly shaping up to be a complete and utter fucking waste of existence...

the dating realm is pretty boring.  i haven't heard from munchkin since her replying that she wasn't particularly interested in taking in a sporting event this coming week.  and the bi girl never replied to the email i sent her.

i've discovered that my current financial resources are approximately $400 short for my bills due through 10 april.  and that's not counting the other say, $350 that i need to pay out later in the month.

oh, yeah - so here's a thing: i've been a professional driver since i was 19 (like, 13yrs) and have had my class A cdl since i was 22 (a decade now) but, my OTR experience was too long ago and all my local experience apparently doesn't matter for fuck-all of anything.

it also appears as though i'm unable to get a job at even a coffee shop.  things aren't looking good for either the analyst position or the liaison positions i've applied to.  multiple trucking companies have turned me down... my last resort backup plan has fallen through.  apparently, i'm thoroughly undesirable to women and employers.


clearly a suboptimal situation.


plus, student loans are going to come due again next month.... *sigh*  anyone up for some kurt cobain edition rock band?